Impossible Situation

First of all I'd like to inform those who know Dutch that they can view my last TV appearance at the Omroep Flevoland site at http://www.omroepflevoland.nl/Customercontrols/Omroep/UG_Player.aspx?movieid=37163&path=&ProgType=TV&convlow=False. I still haven't received the DVD with the recording, so a subtitled version may take until next week.

Secondly I'm feeling absolutely miserable, alternately feeling hot and cold, with a pounding headache. The cause? I just visited the BBC News website and I happened to read the headline of the latest news on that South-African athlete. At reading the words 'inter gender' it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. It's been like this for ages now and it's only getting worse. I used to just hate reading about transsexuals, these days I loathe reading about intersexuals as well. I don't want to have anything to do with any of it anymore.

I'm just so sick and tired of being different, of not belonging, of not knowing, of always explaining, of getting ridiculed and used, of being so terribly alone... there's no peace for a thing like me. I won't wait until the end of the year. I can't. It's just not possible. It's too far away, and too painful. It's like asking someone with a few broken bones and a concussion to make it down a mountain. It's only worth it if you know there's something better waiting at the other side, after going through all the pain and suffering. I don't know when this pain and suffering ends. I don't know what awaits me. I don't want to be strong anymore, to live one more day. Not without knowing why in the world I'm doing it.

Great... the shock has passed and now the tears are flowing. I have no one to go to right now. No one to talk with or be comforted by. Pieter is gone to a friend's wedding. I just hope I can keep me from hurting myself. I so hate this body... It's disgusting. Just disgusting.

The media is too late. The medical world is too late. Politics is too late. Help is too late. Friendship is too late. Everything is too late. This pain is impossible. I want to end this why I can't I end this please let me end this someone make this stop please please please please...


Maya