Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Don't Think About The Past Too Much

I have this suspicion that recently I have begun to suffer from an emotional breakdown due to social interaction. Symptoms include feelings ranging from disgust to complete lack of interest when confronted with the idea of socializing, accompanied by paranoia, being overly worried about irrelevant matters and a severe and continuous headache. Earlier today I had an especially bad episode, during which I felt so disgusted with other people that I really had to reset by taking a nap. It's also why I have to work after dinner to catch up on lost time.

I have to finish this TileWars game. I have to finish these projects for clients. I have to work on the other projects I have waiting for me. Everything else is secondary, especially this whole socializing stuff, which, to be brutally frank, doesn't make one lick of sense. Relationships, friendship... nothing of it makes a lot of sense, if at all. Maybe it's because of having been cut off emotionally and socially for nearly two decades, but I'm having a lot of doubts about whether there's any point to pursuing such abstract concepts, instead of relying on solid logic.

Another thing which keeps bothering me, but particularly as of late, is thoughts of my past, which is basically everything from the moment I was born until yesterday. Little there makes sense either or is very cheerful. I feel quite disgusted with my past, and find it to be generally depressing to think about. The best way I have found to deal with it is to block out any such recollections. To me there really is no past or future, at least none I would like to think about. Only by staying firmly in the present can I hang on to my sanity for just a bit longer.

Does that sound depressing, not to mention very negative? Well, that's my mood at this point. Can't do much about it. I have never felt as emotionally exhausted as I have for the past weeks and I don't see it improving any time soon. I need a break, some rest, someone cutting me some slack, but there seems to be a snowball's chance in Hell of this happening.

On top of that comes the BNN TV channel discussing dates for when they want to shoot which parts of the documentary, which is quite frustrating as well. I just want it, the UMCG hospital appointment, the TileWars release and everything else be over with. Maybe then I can find a bit of rest. Depending on the hospital appointment maybe forever, though.



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