Feeling Terrible

Just a quick update. Today basically went from bad to worse and I'm not sure where it'll end. At the moment it seems to have stabilized somewhat, but earlier it was quite critical. I have been feeling physically sick today and emotionally exhausted and numb, a short while ago I began to get strong suicidal thoughts, shortly after which I succumbed to another paralyzation/withdrawal episode.

What made it worse was that Pieter didn't seem to notice that I was about to fall out of my chair and just kept telling me to wake up or to fetch something, even though I couldn't move a muscle and was in an increasing amount of pain. If he hadn't returned later to return me to a more comfortable position and later put me onto his bed in front of the TV before he left. I might have done something terrible. Instead I just cried a lot and spent time watching TV.

Right now I'm not feeling alright, I'm definitely very upset emotionally which I'm trying to compensate for by focusing on purely intellectual matters. I still feel quite terrible though: quite lost and tired of everything. It's more a general feeling than focused on anything in particular. This whole day I have felt like that, pretty much.

Another thing which probably doesn't help that is that I got some advice on my In Between and Neither story which I'm definitely considering, namely to rewrite the story to make it more descriptive and less distant, while only releasing it once it's complete. I am thinking of following this advice and release a book 1 a few months from now or whenever it's done with around 20 chapters. It's definitely not easy to decide on such matters.

What should fall under the header 'good news' has to be a telephone call a few hours ago with the county's office informing me that my first name change will be handled today and I'll get a confirmation in a few days time. For some reason it doesn't do me a whole lot.

Ah well...


Maya