Making Sense Of What Doesn't Make Sense

Yesterday I finished part 3 of In Between and Neither. In this episode we see more controversy, more violence and twisted perspectives. Check it out at my Scribd account, at http://www.scribd.com/MayaPosch. Writing this part was tough as usual, with the first section being particularly draining, and the rest revealing parts of my personality I hadn't expected. It definitely was unexpected, even to me.

Some of it was no doubt influenced by a recent development in my life, namely that of dating. It's a brand new experience to me and brings a lot of fuss with it, with both sides having to figure out where they want things to lead to, what their expectations are, what the other person wants and needs. I'm fairly confident in stating that walking through a minefield is probably a heck of a lot less accident-prone.

Anyway, today I suffered a pretty serious burn-out, spending most of the afternoon in bed sleeping and staring at the ceiling. I think that the recent things surrounding this whole dating thing have just added that little bit extra stress to make the proverbial cup overflow. I guess the worst part of this whole stress overflow thing is the hyper-ventilating combined with a sensation of... despair I guess, where one feels so much pain and one's outlook on the future is more pitch-black than bleak. If I hadn't nagged Pieter about it earlier when I felt so terrible I might have done something stupid again. I guess that's where one absolutely requires good friends nearby.

With this dating stuff that's also the main thing I'm looking for. My date wrongfully assumed at first that I was looking for commitment and a serious long-term relationship, whereas I'm just looking for stability and someone who can guide me while I explore this 'relationship' and 'sexuality' thing in a way which won't further scar or traumatise me. I must say that my date so far has managed this quite well, and that it has changed the way I look at some things already. I won't say silly things like that I suddenly understand what it feels like to be in love, as I still refuse to believe that there is such a thing beyond a neurotransmitter imbalance in the brain caused by a boobytrap planted there by that pesky evolution thing.

But enough blathering from my side. Tomorrow I'll be seeing my date again; we're going wander around the city for a bit and talk about serious stuff. Friday I would be home alone with Pieter gone for a family party in Belgium if it wasn't for the photography student dropping by to do that photoshoot for her project. Seems like I'm going to be the main subject in that project. I guess I should be honoured.

Tonight I'm going to take that sleeping pill I skimped on last night. Got to be all fresh and awake for my date, and of course do some work tomorrow morning. TileWars isn't going to finish itself.

On a sidenote, here is the cover I designed for the In Between and Neither story. Let me know your thoughts on it :)



Maya