I just woke up from apparently a fairly restless sleep. It's a tad past 5 AM and I really don't think I'll be able to sleep any more. Partially because both the dog of the neighbour is barking (audible through multiple walls) and Pieter's dogs (he himself being in Belgium at the moment) happily wailing along. I also realized something I wasn't aware of yesterday, while I was having my third and apparently last date with this girl I was dating.
Often have I commented on how strong my rational side is, and how weak my emotional side, and yesterday was an excellent demonstration of it. The thing is that before yesterday this girl and I had an email exchange in which she mentioned her doubts about the long-term prospective of our relationship, and yesterday we decided that we would just go on as hopefully good friends.
When I got her first, 'I got to tell you something' style email, emotionally I first didn't respond to it other than wanting to throw the email away largely unread and just blame this retarded body of mine for everything, as it usually is at fault anyway. How I felt about it at the time? I don't know, apparently kind of upset, because I felt quite bad and spent half an hour crying or wailing, rather. Then Pieter asked to read the email as well and deduced that I had been largely overreacting. Score one for my emotional side.
Yesterday I thought that my emotional side was present during the exchange as well, yet looking back it seems like it shut down somewhere around Wednesday afternoon, when I had a pretty bad emotional collapse and stayed in bed until dinner time feeling sick. Then after dinner I collapsed again, and had to drag myself literally upstairs to my bed, where I withdrew into myself for a bit, until I began to get this horrible feeling again of needing to escape, and suicide being the only option. It's a far too familiar feeling and its pull is incredibly strong. Only Pieter's intervention probably kept me from doing something foolish.
Anyway, yesterday this girl and I had this heavily emotional conversation, talking about relationship stuff and such. After deciding to just be friends from then on, I felt relieved inside, and I thought at the time that it was my emotional side which was feeling that, and that it was okay with it. Even suffering another bad emotional collapse during dinner didn't seem to dampen my conviction of that. This collapse was a new type; it mostly seemed to weaken my muscle control but not obliterate it while jumbling my thoughts and making it unable for me to think clearly, let alone speak.
When I woke up earlier I realized that my emotional side hadn't been involved yesterday at all, that it was my rational side which had taken over and concluded that relationship stuff is irrelevant anyway, or something. It just doesn't like anything for which it can't see any practical purpose. This morning I could notice my emotional side whining, feeling lonely and useless. It seems to have decided that relationships and sexuality are highly overrated pieces of junk anyway, meaning that apparently I'm back to square minus one-hundred on those again.
At this point I'm really not sure whether my emotional side serves any kind of useful purpose and isn't just a stupid prank or left-over thing. The only thing it's good for is getting in the way, tricking me into doing stupid things and basically standing for everything my rational side loathes. I wish I could cut it out like a diseased appendix.
To be clear, I'm not upset. At this point my rational side is in control as usual. It's just highly annoyed at this blubbering piece of emotional side which keeps messing my life up. With it out of the way there wouldn't be disrupting thoughts and worries, no pain and no frustrations. Ergo it's a cancerous element and preferably removed before it can do more damage.
Elementary, you know?