Toughing It Out

According to Pieter his behaviour yesterday was just part of a plan to make me more independent when it comes to those paralyzation/withdrawal episodes. He recognizes that they can be really dangerous, especially when I'll be living on my own in a few months time or so as there will be no one around to help me snap out of them. I'll leave whether it is the right approach up for debate.

Last night was another terrible night. Throughout it I have had one nightmare after the other, with a text message from a friend waking me up from the first one at around 0.47 AM. I was glad it woke me up, as the nightmare had left me drenched in sweat, with my heart pounding wildly and the sensation of something out there getting ready to pounce me not subsiding much even after waking up.

After that I fell asleep again only to wake up again from another disturbing dream. By the time I decided it was time to get out of bed it was past 7 AM and I crawled out of bed more than I gracefully got out. I literally couldn't walk properly, so I shuffled around. After a while I started to feel better, if still sleep-deprived.

By the end of the morning Pieter had just left for a wedding and I was chatting with my mom on the phone when I suddenly got this terrible pain in my left side. After a few moments of it only getting worse I told my mom that I was going to disconnect, which I did. Then I lied down on my bed until the pain began to subside somewhat. It was located in the lower part of my back, on the left side. Based on the type of pain and other symptoms I figured it was a kidney stone stuck in the left kidney. After drinking a lot of water the pain nearly went away, but I'll have to keep an eye on it.

A kidney stone may also explain the extreme nausea I felt before, as pressure on the intestines from a kidney stone may trigger the nausea/vomit response which is an embryological left-over, according to online references.

At any rate it really doesn't improve my situation. At the moment I feel so incredibly tired and I'm delighted that I have the option of taking a sleeping pill tonight as I'm not sure I'd last another night without getting some real sleep. Today I only did a tiny bit of work, due to the issues mentioned, but also because I feel so tired and scatterbrained. I'd like to sleep, nap or otherwise get some real rest, but rarely is my sleep that peaceful as of late.

I could put a wild-eyed, outrageous emotional outburst here, but to be quite frank I don't have the energy for it. It feels similar to when I had been awake for nearly 40 hours a few years ago while traveling to and from Canada with all the delays, lay-overs, uncomfortable airplane seats and such, with me about to topple over from exhaustion and feeling ill.

I just can't find any rest anywhere.


Maya