Wednesday, 29 September 2010

On The Bright Side Of Things

First a quick update on the shooting for that BNN TV documentary show. My contact person dropped by today to have a face-to-face meeting prior to the actual shooting. It was pretty fun. At least for next Monday things have been settled: I'll be at the beauty salon at 8.30 AM together with the film crew where the beautician will demonstrate the torture... er, I mean electrolysis treatment she performs on me. After that the film crew and I will go back to my place where I'll have an interview. After that all of us are going to the UMCG hospital by car.

The only thing which can't be planned is what exactly will happen during this hospital appointment. I don't even know which examinations/tests will be performed and whether I'll know the results right away or not. At any rate the goal of this documentary about my life is to give an idea of what I go through as an intersexual woman. It should work out fine. I do hope that Pieter will agree to do an interview as well. So far he seems very reluctant to appear on TV, but I hope he'll agree to anyway since he's one of the best people to clearly and concisely explain the issues in a fairly objective manner. Of course, can't force anyone :)

I'm glad to have this TV shooting thing going on, as it provides excellent distraction, plus the added feeling that I'm not alone in this, that what I do that Monday will matter and that I won't have to face an uncaring world yet again after yet another failed appointment. That alone is something to cling to.

Still left after this shooting on Monday is a session at the swimming pool, to be shot on the 17th next month or so if everything works out. They still need to get all the permissions and such, which isn't the most easy of things depending on the organization. The exact logistics of this shooting are still left to be decided.

I really do hope that this examination on Monday will finally provide the explanations I have been seeking for nearly six years now, and put an end to this medical circus of utter lunacy, in which the wishes and opinions of the patient are of negative relevance and a liability, and only the opinion of the specialist or psychologist counts, no matter how wrong. Maybe then a touch of sanity will return to my life.

Yet whatever happens that day, I should not forget that which I already have. I may not know everything about my body yet, but what I do know for a fact so far is pretty nice. I got an athletic figure most women are jealous of, looks which make many a head turn, and a pretty impressive brain to fill up the space inside that pretty head.

There's also my company and our first game which is looking better and better. I'm actually getting the hang of this UVW unwrap and colouring process using 3DS Max and Photoshop CS5, meaning that I should be able to finish the avatars for the game some time this week. I also started on the AI module, which really isn't nearly as complex or scary as it sounds. The most tricky part is to balance the difficulty settings within the AI.

While I often feel myself struggling to find some meaning in my continued existence, it are those things which do provide me with a sense that not everything is lost yet at this point. I just need someone near me at times, to embrace me and keep telling me these things over and over, whenever oblivion does seem like the only reasonable way out of this madness.


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