I have been crying nearly non-stop for two hours now. I just can't stop. There's so much pain inside. I feel so tired. I feel so weak. I feel like something really broke inside. I don't feel like hurting myself right now. That's good. Probably is only a matter of time before the sadness and grief turns to anger and finds a target in this despicable body of mine.
Please, please, please... allow me to stop crying. Allow me to experience a happy life. If that's possible. If it really exists. I don't know any more. Nothing makes sense. From what I hear and have experienced, being intersexual is an automatic death sentence, involving rejection, painful (physical) treatment and abuse, discrimination and worse. How could I ever hope for things to improve with all that being true? Who would take care of me? Who would protect me?
Worst is all those people saying how attractive I look and how hot I am. Why am I cursed with this hideous body? Why this torture? Why did things end up like this? Why? Why? Why?
There are only two possible ways out of this nightmare... one is for me to get help, the other is for me to die. I'm more than open for suggestions on the latter. I'm still afraid of pain, and the more gruesome ways to die, but at this point it sounds like the only plausible way out.
As for the former options... I'll believe it when I see and experience it. If the severity of my situation won't even be acknowledged by anyone who can help me, how could I ever get help? It's a chicken-and-egg, a catch-22 scenario. There is absolutely no way it could ever work out.
I'll just keep crying some more...
*hits self on head so hard she screams it out in pain*
*runs off to throw up again*