Thursday, 21 July 2011

Nervous Breakdown

Just experienced yet another nervous breakdown. The experiences the past days of so many brief surges of hope followed by disappointments is too much for me to take. I can clearly no longer promote the petition, or otherwise be actively involved with anything. Guess my final stand didn't last very long.

I'll be focusing on the few things I do have control over and which are useful to my life, such as my work. There's no future for me as a person at this point, and I clearly lack the energy in addition to being too traumatized by the past six plus years to fight for any kind of improvement. Hence I'm giving up on it, instead leaving it to others to take over this burden.

Please... don't say it'll be fine, or to give it some more time. It just hurts me to hear such obvious fabrications. You know it's not true as much as I do.

I and others have asked people with a lot of influence to promote my cause. They never responded, except for one former Dutch politician who deemed the petition too unreliable to support. After a short burst the number of signatures is stuck at 260. Not even a single percentage of what is needed to get the attention from something like the United Nations. Pointless.

I'll stop worrying about it. I should worry less. All I have to worry about now is how my life will go from here. Will I be dead in a few months? Weeks? Days? Will sudden help arrive and my life become all fine? The only thing I am certain of is the here and now, and I hate it with a passion. Hate and frustration are the only two things I have plenty of.

I have said many times that I do not want to die, that I just want to be given a chance. Please give me a chance...

*sees all the leering and laughing faces around her and breaks down in tears again*


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