Thursday, 28 July 2011

This Body Which I Am Not Allowed To Have

I have a complete and healthy body. I am intelligent. I have good social skills. This obviously leads to people wondering what makes me pursue all these things with the medical and political systems. I am what I feel like, right?

Unfortunately, my body was taken from me at an early age, and I have been denied the chance to regain it ever since. What I currently inhabit is a temporary shell, a make-shift construction which allows me to exist, but only temporarily. Until I regain my real body.

I lost my body when I was only a few years old, around the time when children begin to become aware of their own bodies. It was then that I realized that my body was missing. I desperately tried to patch together something resembling a body I could call my own, but despite everything I tried it never turned into a real body. For many years I lived like this, frantically trying to ignore that I had a fake body, while everybody around me was discovering their real bodies as they matured and grew into adults. Not me. My body wasn't capable of that.

I was forced to watch while everybody passed me by. I was just a mind trapped in a fake construction. My real body was nowhere to be found. Where would I search for it? I had no idea. I almost forgot at times that my body was only fake as I got used to the constant pain of its loss.

When I stumbled over my real body, nearly seven years ago, I was at first overjoyed that I would finally get my real body back. I would finally get to catch up on everything I had been missing out on during over one and a half decade. I couldn't believe that it was so easy to find my real body, that it was just in a slightly different location than for others. I could have found it sooner if I had searched a little better, or had received help.

Then, as I tried to cast off my temporary, fake body and exchange it for my real body, this was denied. My fake body was my real body, so said people who supposedly were specialists in this area. Worse was that I needed their help to adapt this real body and make it a part of myself.

Many insisted that this real body didn't even exist, that it was just a flight of my fancy, that I was seeing things which weren't there. Others offered me another fake body. I wanted to yell at them to just give me my real body, that it was right there and that it was they who needed to have their minds examined. No use. My body just floats uselessly over there, almost within reach.

I'm trapped in this fake body. I want to rip it off, tear it to pieces, even if by doing so my own existence is erased. Everything is better than a fake existence. I don't want to live a lie. I don't want to have a fake body.

I can not live, or even exist like this.

I can not understand the cruelty of others in denying me my real body.

Why are things like this?





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