Monday, 4 July 2011

It Doesn't Really Matter Any More

In a few hours I'll be leaving for a hospital appointment at the other side of the country for an x-ray with contrast dye which should indicate whether or not I have a vagina there. A friend arranged this for me via a surgeon.

Just like yesterday's visit to the photo exposition, today's appointment is an - even stronger - confrontation with everything that is wrong about me and my life. I don't even care what the result of this examination is. All I can feel is sick, nauseous and completely miserable. My emotional state is distinctly unstable and I can't stop crying.

I did some reading up on Australian asylum and humanitarian protection programs. They might be an option. I don't know. I will have others look into it for me. Much as I need others for everything else. A job. Housing. Everything. There's nothing I can do myself.

I feel so worthless. Weak. All I can do is feel miserable and cry. Part of me insists that I'll never make it to Australia. Not in my current state and not with the limited help I'm getting at the moment. I'm actually beginning to feel extremely suicidal again today. I simply can't take the facts of my existence any longer. By hitting and inflicting physical pain upon myself I can draw myself away from a suicide attempt somewhat, but it's a losing battle.

There's nothing I would like more right now than to take a pill, vitally injure myself with a knife or otherwise cause my own death. Everything is better than to suffer like this.

No one cares. Or I wouldn't be writing this. What am I hoping for anyway... I should just get this over with instead of wasting more time and energy on writing useless posts like these. F*** this all. F*** all of you useless people. F*** this useless world. I'm through with it. Just...

I'll struggle on anyway, until this last thread of sanity snaps.

*winches in pain as she hits herself on the chest and abdominal areas some more*



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