Thursday, 14 July 2011

Putting Australia On Hold; Indefinitely?

The past time everything has seemingly revolved around getting me to Australia, and getting me a job. OII Australia's response was exactly like that too. Once I would be in Australia things would turn out fine, or so people assured me. Not so.

The future I'd jump into would mean living in some expensive rented room heavens know where, trying to find a job and making ends meet after spending most of my money on getting to Australia. Would this make me happy? Would this really solve the issue which caused me to leave the Netherlands in the first place.

Last night's dream forcefully reminded me of this, and my friend Trevor also warned me that I was moving far too fast yesterday. In the dream I saw all those things which in some form symbolize happiness. In the dream I experienced intimacy, careless happiness, a child's innocence and so on. When I woke up I felt sick. Looking at the twisted reality I was building for myself, stripped of any form of happiness.

Most importantly is that in this reality which had been spun partially by myself and by others there would be no space for my intersexuality, and for the reasons why I can not build up an existence in the Netherlands. How could six and a half years of psychological and physical torture and brainwashing together with an unhappy youth be brushed away carelessly like that? I suffer from a collection of traumatic disorders worse than what most soldiers and abuse victims are forced to deal with every day. Does this not matter? Shouldn't I receive professional care for this?

A person's personality and behaviours are formed by one's surroundings and memories. If you refer to me, you basically refer to the reasons I described above. They formed and shaped me over the past two decades plus. I can not suddenly pretend I'm not like that. I already have to wear a mask in daily life to hide the worst pain and suffering. I could not conceivably manage that for the rest of my life.

No... there still is no future at this point. I know where I need to head towards: where I as a person, together with my past is taken seriously, acknowledged and where help is available. A humanitarian protection visa and the accompanying special humanitarian protection program in Australia would probably be an example of this, but so far I have received no help in ascertaining that this would work, or to carry out the necessary steps.

Where I am now is not the right place to be. I'll never become happy here. I can not grow or live while I stay here. It's still better than making another mistake, fleeing with unseeing eyes, much like when I fled to Canada only to return in misery a few weeks later.

What did I suffer for again all those years?


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