Saturday, 7 May 2011

Anxiety

Yesterday I asked my coordinator at John Hopkins Medical whether they had consulted someone experienced with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) cases like mine. The email response was that she is trying to get an appointment for me at the psychology department of JHM for my PTSD. I guess that's a good thing. She does require proof that I have PTSD, for which I have asked my psychotherapist to write a letter.

Today I can't seem to stop crying either. There are so many uncertainties, about how much everything at JHM will cost me, whether I'll be able to pay it, what they'll look at all the relevant points and of course whether they'll be able to come up with a proper diagnosis. So far the answers to these questions are: unknown, probably not, nobody so far has got it right, and lying and deceiving seem to be favourite pastimes of medical specialists.

I'm suffering from severe anxiety attacks at the moment. All of these uncertainties are just too much to deal with or reason away. Having to wait for over 1.5 month just for the first appointment at JHM is absolute murder in my current situation. I didn't sign up for what feels like another batch of freshly mixed up torture.

I have no sympathy or understanding for having to wait. My patience wore thin about 2-3 years ago already. The stage I have been at for a while now is stubborn refusal to curl up and die.

Contrary to what people seem to think I'm not looking to become great buddies with the physicians at JHM, all I am begging them for is to treat the most urgent cases first. Considering the multitude of bruises and bloody scratches I currently have all over my body, not to mention the intense urges towards self-harm, if I was a physician I'd be declaring my own case urgent. The only alternative I see is to request stronger sedatives when I see my GP next Monday and live in a haze until June 27th.

That, or start drinking heavily. And I hate drinking.


Maya

2 comments:

Samantha said...

The only *potentially* good thing about waiting is the chance to gather up money for longer.
On the other hand, even though I wish you could get there sooner, I also know they treat many patients who also have very urgent cases... and they're just really booked... all the time. I wouldn't want anyone to get jipped in this. Just try to hold in there and keep your calls/letters/emails going but understand there are other very, very urgent cases where the people have already waited.

Maya Posch said...

Oh, I understand it perfectly. Rationally at least :)

There are so many conflicting things in this whole picture at the moment; having to gather funds, requiring help ASAP, waiting for help... it's the contradictions and uncertainties which make this so hard to deal with, and such rich grounds for all kinds of anxiety and other disorders.

I just wish this was all over already... *sighs*