The Slow Recovery Process

Yesterday I have been talking a lot with friends about my recent experiences. Especially those from the US were quite shocked at how the police treated me, as that is absolutely not standard procedure in the US. Their support has really helped me and still helps me somewhat deal with this recent trauma.

Physically I'm still in a world of pain. I can shuffle, but not really walk, my shoulders, back and arms are very painful and sore, and my biggest worry are my wrists, which were incredibly painful for a while already. Especially the right one, since it developed this tingling sensation in the right thumb area, indicative of nerve damage. Since motion in it is still fine I'm hoping that by not over-exerting it it'll be fine.

I really really hope that no permanent damage has been done to my wrist or hands/arms by the rough police treatment. I'd be beyond devastated if I learned that I'd be partially handicapped for the rest of my life. It'll be hard enough already to live with the memories of these events.

Tomorrow I have an appointment at Dimence, the psychological center for this region. They want to offer me psychological help. I'll tell them the same thing I told them last Friday: psychologists and psychiatrists in this country are partially responsible for my troubles and never once has one helped me. Either they offer me concrete proof that they are going to and can help me or no deal.

I feel as though the healthcare system in this country is akin to a pack of wolves, circling around me, waiting for my attention to slip so that they can strike and tear out my throat. I can not trust anyone. Rely on no one. Everyone whose profession it is to help is actually there to do harm. This is the fact I have yet had to bitterly accept this week.

There's only a minor pinprick of light at the moment. I told before that a friend has found a surgeon willing to do exploratory surgery and such. Next week he'll get the final confirmation if everything goes right and that may mean the beginning of the end of at least the medical drama in a matter of weeks.

Will it happen? I don't know. So far I can find no fault in it, but trust is something fragile and easily lost. I do trust this friend to find the right people and to do everything he can to help me. I can rely on him. The real question is whether I can rely on this surgeon, I guess. I don't know this person, and although I have never gotten so far as to have an actual surgeon look at my case I remain cautious.

Else the wolves will devour me.


Maya