Saturday, 28 May 2011

This Country Only Expects Me To Suffer

Physicians who can only lie to me. GPs who do not understand me and have me arrested when I snap. Police who use excessive force and cause me severe injuries, both physically and mentally.

I have been crying since this morning, as well as occasionally punching myself on my head, my chest and abdomen. I can't deal with what has happened to me and what has still happened. At this point I can only think of how much I want this pain to end. But that requires people to help me, which has been proven to be impossible, as physicians in this country will only lie to me, and foreign hospitals will reject my case for stupid reasons.

As I wrote to my psychotherapist earlier, this country has knowingly and willingly made me suffer, and yet I am not allowed to take my own life. If they offered me a suicide pill I'd gladly take it. My situation can only be described as suffering, and what people are doing to me as torture.

I'm going to try and stay alive for another few weeks or so and see whether anything changes. I doubt it, though. No promises about not slitting my own wrists the coming weeks either. I can't take much more of this pain.

Curse this all to Hell...

Update: as might be expected, a DID personality fragment had taken over. This one seems to center around the betrayal I have suffered over the years and contains such memories and traumatic events. It has been shelved again for the moment, but I'm feeling utterly exhausted and drained right now, and most decidedly not happy.


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