During my last photoshoot with the photography student, last Tuesday, I for the first time felt so tired that we had to pause for a bit and take a walk outside. I felt dizzy, exhausted and very much ready to cry from sheer misery. After spending some time outside in the sunlight and with good company not to mention the consumption of some ice cream, I felt relatively fine again.
When that same day John Hopkins Medical announced the date for my appointment there (June 27th) without any further details other than payment information, my post-traumatic stress disorder kicked in while many bad memories about Dutch hospitals got dragged out of the closet. I spent the rest of that day just crying, crying and feeling absolutely terrible, like nobody gives a damn about me and I really, absolutely do not belong in this world, no matter how much I and others try to convince myself otherwise. It's all a lie.
The next morning I wrote the letter I posted before, appealing to JHM to please consider my past experiences while handling my case. I got a phone call from my coordinator which initially alleviated some of my fears and anxieties. I went to bed early, feeling kind of tired.
This morning I woke up from a deep sleep, feeling alright until reality hit me. Before I knew it my PTSD had taken control again and convinced me that JHM doesn't care about me and just wants to see my money. No money means no help. And JHM wants me to pay everything up-front, which I can not afford, so I'm screwed, so if I'm smart I'll just kill myself and get all this bullying from everyone around me over with.
I nearly did commit suicide this morning.
Instead I merely decorated my body with countless bruises and scratches, punched my pillows into formless shapes and nearly tore my pajamas to shreds. Then I basically crawled out of bed to write the letter I posted this morning. So far I haven't received an answer.
As I prepared for my beauty salon appointment for electrolysis later that day, doing the face cleaning I had skipped after waking up because I couldn't stop crying, and had finishing brushing my teeth, I noticed a smooth, bleeding spot on my tongue. Something I have never seen before. It doesn't really hurt, but it doesn't take a genius to realize that it's not a good sign. Generally the tongue is a very good indicator of one's general health as it's so tightly connected with the body's various systems.
While traveling to the appointment and at the beauty salon I felt drained. When I updated my beautician on my current situation, I started crying. It's quite unusual for me to cry that easily, and indicates severe fatigue.
At the moment I'm feeling cold chills, a headache, an upset stomach, dizziness and in general I don't feel too well. After this morning's PTSD attack subsided, I could still feel surges of panic and a general feeling anxiety. Right now I still feel it.
I'm absolutely drained at this point. I had not expected setting up an appointment with JHM would be this hard and trigger my PTSD so severely on two occasions so far that I had to forbid myself to commit suicide, yet nearly failed to convince myself. It are just scraps which are still holding me tied to this life. If I was religious, I'd be begging on my knees for JHM to please tell me that I can pay in installments, and that they'll not do anything else which might set off my PTSD like that again.
I need others to take some of the weight off my shoulders. It's too much. So much that it seems like my health is beginning to suffer as well. I haven't slept well in weeks and all I can feel about my current situation is bland despair. Nearly two months to go until my JHM appointment, and I'm not sure I'll last that long at this rate.
Please give me a break...