Broken

This past weekend was the worst couple of days I have ever experienced. I'm not allowed to divulge in details, but I can say that Saturday morning I suffered one of the worst case of traumatic shock I can remember, and constant exposure to negative triggers without any kind of compensating factors during the days afterwards, leading me to enter a very defensive, highly agitated emotional state.

At the pool yesterday morning I nearly drowned again, as I suffered a paralyzation episode before I had a chance to reach the side of the pool, and once I did I lacked the strength to pull myself out. It took a few minutes for Pieter to realize what was going on and pull me out of the pool. It's weird to see people walk past or lounge in the pool and look at you with one's discomfort clearly visible, and not reaching out to help. Maybe I should just have let go.

Yesterday I noticed that something major has changed inside of me. The headache and feeling of emotional exhaustion accompanying a negative episode and usually paralyzation episode appears to be permanent now. I just can't pull myself out of it. Maybe it'll heal, maybe it'll not. Maybe this weekend finally pushed me over the edge after years of a gradual increase in stress levels. The proverbial straw, so to speak, although this was one massive straw to be quite honest.

My throat still has bruises from my own attempts to strangle myself. It's stupid that I even bother to try it, but what else am I to do? Can't take any pills, and slitting my wrists is so messy and painful. Saturday I walked a few kilometers while in shock and ended up at the beauty salon, as apparently I lack anyone else in this city I know well enough to trust. While on my way, I passed a few bridges and contemplated whether the fall into the water would kill me. Ultimately I decided that it probably would just make me wet, maybe bruise me something nasty, but that it would have to be a taller bridge.

I guess I'm a definite suicide risk now. Yay.


Maya