Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Pattern Repetition

Yesterday went pretty much as planned. The shooting at the beauty salon went off smoothly, we arrived back at my place in time, did an interview there, then we all left for the UMCG hospital. That's where the original planning kind of ended and turned into more of a 'we'll see' kind of thing. Nothing could have prepared any of us for what happened during the appointment, though.

During the previous appointment Pieter and I had gotten the distinct impression that during yesterday's appointment I'd undergo extensive testing to once and for establish what this something I feel down there actually is. Is it a vagina or something else, basically. What really happened was that only the urologist was present and he explained to us before the examination that he would be performing only the two examinations I already knew about. At that point I realized that this examination would be limited to just determining whether I have a prostate or not.

In short, yes there is a prostate, a really tiny one. Supposedly it's consistent with the hormone therapy I'm using, but the urologist was not able to provide an explanation for why it doesn't work, if it ever did so. There was no mention of a prostate functioning examination. The anesthetic used during the examination of the inside of the urinary tract also turned out to affect me pretty badly after the examination. I had already gotten dressed and was listening to the urologist talking when I noticed I was starting to feel really sick, with sweat covering me, a fuzzy feeling, a general feeling of nausea and blurry vision at some points. The urologist said the anesthetic shouldn't have such an effect, though. I guess I imagined that as well.

After leaving the urology center, Pieter and I encountered the TV crew downstairs and informed them of what had occurred during the appointment. They were as flabbergasted and surprised as we were. After I began to feel less physically ill, we did another interview, talking about the results of the examination, what would happen next and how we felt about it.

There are two sides to this last appointment. The first being that it doesn't really mean or explain anything. There's no explanation for why I have a non-functional prostate, or gained any other relevant facts, ergo it was a fairly useless examination. The other side is that I once again feel like I'm not being taken seriously, pretty much like with every other previous appointment at any hospital before this one. There's also the very real possibility that the UMCG hospital won't offer to do any more examinations or tests after this last series.

Pieter sent Weijmar Schultz an email on this, and a few other topics. Basically the questions were whether this last appointment was really meant to be as brief, whether there will be another series of examinations, what happened to the promise by the radiologist to sent MRI images of males showing the same structure previously indicated by the German clinics as being a vagina, and whether the UMCG via Jiawan is going to help me find an EMDR psychotherapist, as it's virtually impossible to find one for Pieter and me with almost none of them even taking on new patients, let alone finding one who is 'right' for me.

Naturally, by the time I got home I pretty much collapsed. I had another paralyzation episode, cried a lot until I finally went to bed. At least there seems to be progress on another point, namely the whole dating thing of Pieter. I seem to finally have grasped emotionally that I'm just a friend and a guest in this place and that this is the role I should follow. I have completely relied on Pieter to support me emotionally and this is why it is/was so hard for me to take a few steps back.

Some part of me still wishes vehemently that I had a person I could fall back on like that, yet the prospect of me having a successful date which results in a happy, long-term relationship is about as bright as the dark side of the moon.

I guess that solitude is still where it's at. My old friend.


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