Thursday, 21 October 2010

A Liberal Interpretation Of 'Support'

The past few days I have had to yet again defend myself against people offering friendly advice on what they think I should do with regard to my situation. I have had some accuse me of being out of my mind for even contacting the media on this, claiming that I would be much happier if I stayed away from the public eye. Others were more than willing to provide a very dim prospect on getting the answers I seek, basically claiming that it's impossible anything will ever be found. I also had some expressing their disbelief that I am still continuing to look for answers, instead of just embracing what I have and live my life.

I think it's more than clear that too many people gladly offer advice these days, no matter how misguided or uninformed. I'm not sure defending myself against their accusations is actually helping. The only noticeable impact seems to be that I feel more alone and stripped of hope than ever before.

Why am I searching for answers about my body? Isn't it enough that I have never once in my entire life known who or what I am? That sexuality is the territory of absolute horrors thanks to my ignorance in that area, and those who managed to take advantage of this ignorance? Isn't feeling excluded from almost everything considered to be 'normal' things in a human's life reason enough? Why do I even have to defend myself for wishing to know basic facts about my own body?

I'm sick and tired of defending myself. I'm exhausted of so many things combined. There's absolutely no grain of happiness or joy in this existence. I'm lonely and feeling deserted. I feel like I have been physically and mentally beaten up and left for dead in the cold rain. There's no one who can reach me where I am now. I'm not sure it's worth reaching out to anyone anyway.

I realize people don't like it when I talk about this, but I can not deny the appeal of suicide. What's wrong with it again? It would end this situation, it would make some people really happy and above all it would end this ravaging pain which is tearing me up from the inside.

Just let me sleep for a long time. Please...


No comments: