I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of hyperventilating. I'm tired of feeling exhausted and irritable. I'm tired of my situation. I'm tired of everything, it seems. The only thing keeping me going at the moment is my work, and even that is getting harder, thanks to feeling so bloody tired all the time. I'm so sick of feeling like I can't get enough oxygen thanks to these suppressed panic attacks resulting in hyperventilating.
Today I got the report from the UMCG hospital on the examination last Monday. It was nothing new to me. I guess my general feelings on the experience can be summed up by my enthusiasm in holding the report. I was holding it by the edges, and felt this incredible urge to wash my hands after touching it, as though it's something filthy. Which in a sense it is, I guess.
I'm very grateful for BNN giving me their acknowledgement and recognition in this situation, enough to spend a lot of money on making a documentary about my situation. I'm glad they were along for the ride on Monday, as otherwise things would have been much worse. I enjoyed talking about the shoot today at the beauty salon/barber shop, where the beautician is showing everyone the pictures her husband took during the shooting. It feels like this way I'm quickly gaining more recognition.
The broadcast is on November 9th, on the Dutch public channel Nederland 3. It will be really interesting to see what the responses on this broadcast will be. Once I get the DVD from BNN I will if I get permission from them subtitle it and put it online. Fortunately YouTube extended the maximum length for videos to 15 minutes, which means that my documentary should just fit :)
October 17th's shoot at the swimming pool got the go ahead; we're welcome to shoot there from 10 to 12. They want to do the interview with my mother around the same time as well, so that may turn out to be a bit of a squeeze. I'll see how it goes. First I have to survive the next two days while Pieter is in Italy and I'm home alone, then the weekend. A good friend of mine promised she'd stay the weekend as well, for support, so things will probably turn out alright. It will be tough, however.
Without the answers I seek about my body I really don't seem to be able to care whether others think I'm attractive, could easily find a suitable girlfriend and so on. I'm stuck with a body I don't understand and stuck in a quest for answers after encountering so much resistence which I do not understand either. I just want to be rid of this body. I want to be rid of this quest. I want to be rid of everything which hurts.
Clearly I'm asking too much.