I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of hyperventilating. I'm tired of feeling exhausted and irritable. I'm tired of my situation. I'm tired of everything, it seems. The only thing keeping me going at the moment is my work, and even that is getting harder, thanks to feeling so bloody tired all the time. I'm so sick of feeling like I can't get enough oxygen thanks to these suppressed panic attacks resulting in hyperventilating.
Today I got the report from the UMCG hospital on the examination last Monday. It was nothing new to me. I guess my general feelings on the experience can be summed up by my enthusiasm in holding the report. I was holding it by the edges, and felt this incredible urge to wash my hands after touching it, as though it's something filthy. Which in a sense it is, I guess.
I'm very grateful for BNN giving me their acknowledgement and recognition in this situation, enough to spend a lot of money on making a documentary about my situation. I'm glad they were along for the ride on Monday, as otherwise things would have been much worse. I enjoyed talking about the shoot today at the beauty salon/barber shop, where the beautician is showing everyone the pictures her husband took during the shooting. It feels like this way I'm quickly gaining more recognition.
The broadcast is on November 9th, on the Dutch public channel Nederland 3. It will be really interesting to see what the responses on this broadcast will be. Once I get the DVD from BNN I will if I get permission from them subtitle it and put it online. Fortunately YouTube extended the maximum length for videos to 15 minutes, which means that my documentary should just fit :)
October 17th's shoot at the swimming pool got the go ahead; we're welcome to shoot there from 10 to 12. They want to do the interview with my mother around the same time as well, so that may turn out to be a bit of a squeeze. I'll see how it goes. First I have to survive the next two days while Pieter is in Italy and I'm home alone, then the weekend. A good friend of mine promised she'd stay the weekend as well, for support, so things will probably turn out alright. It will be tough, however.
Without the answers I seek about my body I really don't seem to be able to care whether others think I'm attractive, could easily find a suitable girlfriend and so on. I'm stuck with a body I don't understand and stuck in a quest for answers after encountering so much resistence which I do not understand either. I just want to be rid of this body. I want to be rid of this quest. I want to be rid of everything which hurts.
Clearly I'm asking too much.
Maya
8 comments:
Hi there,
Just to let you know: removing something from your blog won't change the fact it has been there...
What has been seen, can not be unseen. I kept quiet sofar, which is unlike me, but if you have a problem with me, or my presence, I prefer a personal message over a post in your blog for sure.
I am a reasonable person, and have no intention to cause any trouble for you, so if you're not comfortable with me, contact me if you want, I'd be more than happy to talk to you about it. I intend to do all I can to make it as easy as possible on you, so if there's something you'd like me to know before that, tell me, and if there's something you need to know, just ask. Just, plz, keep what's part of my personal life too out of your blogs, it feels a bit intrusive to me.
Seeing as I'm told I can be unintentionally rude: this is in no way meant to be an attack or anything, it's an urgent request (a). I'm sure we have the same intentions basically (not making this too hard on Pieter, maybe get to know one another a little, and hopefully have some fun in the proces as well ;), and seeing as both of us seem to be pretty smart, we should be able to figure this out, right?
Grtz
Sorry about the part which got removed from the last post. Pieter asked me to remove it shortly after it was posted. Sometimes I just don't think straight, it seems. My apologies.
I'd very much like to see you on Saturday and get to know each other. Please don't pay attention to my emotional side/PTSD, it's always been a bit weird :)
NP, I can handle weird :p
I prefer (in my case usually brutal (a)) honesty over hiding one's true thoughts and talking behind someones back. So if something bothers me, I'm used to speak my mind ;) Plz feel free to do the same thing... I'm not that easily offended.
As long as you're ok and don't feel uncomfortable in your home, I'm game. Especially with a Robert Rodriguez movie in view :)
I would have preferred the new Resident Evil movie, but hey, who can pass on a free cinema visit? ;)
I'm glad you're fine with brutal honesty, as that's one of my trademarks, together with my weird PTSD-induced moods. We should get along fine :)
Ha ha, I'm seeing that one tomorrow, so this is a good movie weekend for me ;) Got to love resident evil, right?
All of a sudden, I start feeling sorry for Pieter, seeing as brutal honestly is also one of my more charming personality trademarks :P
Luckily, he seems to have a thick skin ;)
Couldn't you have watched Machete tomorrow and RE on Saturday? :P *rants on*
No need to feel sorry for Pieter, it's not like he doesn't have a thick skin as you said ;)
I honestly don't know what I would do without him in the midst of this medical madness :)
Sure, I could switch the movies. If you can persuade the others to watch RE saturday, fine by me, as long as I get to watch it sometime this weekend :P Just lemme know, so I get the right tickets tomorrow ;)
Nah, I wasn't really feeling sorry for him. So far he seems to be able to handle you, and he seems to be able to handle me. So really, how hard can it be for him when we're both there (a) ;)
I can imagine btw. I've had a pretty bad time myself a while ago (granted, nothing like you're dealing with, but still...) and I don'n know how I'd have gotten through that without my friends.
I have this one friend who I know always understands me, will never judge me (although will point out my flaws to me, about as subtle as a cluebat -thank god, I need that-) and who's always there for me. Honestly, I wouldn't know what to do without her sometimes. So yeah, I think I understand what you mean. Friends like that are hard to find...
Switching it now would be a bit tricky, with Pieter being in Italy and me not having all of the contact info of those friends he invited. Ah well :) Thanks anyway~
I guess I'm just overly protective of the few things I do have at this point, including precious friends *hisses and puffs up* :P
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