Thursday, 7 October 2010

Numbing Pain

There are quite a few things lately which are going smoothly, or which are in general positive. I'm still very happy for example with my participation in this TV program of BNN. I think it's one of the more positive things to have happened in my life so far, and could really put the spotlight on my issues and the general plight of intersexual people in this country.

I sent the first of probably many emails to two politicians of the Green Left party in the Netherlands: Linda Voortman and Jesse Klaver. They're involved with health and education, respectively. I'll see what kind of responses I'll get. The points I raised in the email include the Yogyakarta Principles ( which would allow anyone to change one's gender to the desired one without having to undergo surgery or so and which the Netherlands has already promised to implement, I also mentioned the lack of information on intersexuality in the teaching materials and classes at school.

Another idea I have is to create a page at my personal site or so on my efforts, with the groups I created at the Facebook and Hyves social networking sites as a way for people to show their support. Any comments on this? What about adding some buttons or such people can add to their own site/pages to show their support there as well? I'd like some detailed feedback on this, if possible :)

I just finished the first avatar model for TileWars. It's fully modelled, textured and ready to for action now :) It's taken me so long to finish it due to the learning process involved mostly with UVW unwrapping, the 3D painting mode in Photoshop CS5 and some tidbits inbetween, like using normal mapping on the UVW map (back/front) of the model's body to increase the resolution on some parts. I also had my system nearly grinding to a halt because with 3DS and Photoshop running simultaneously while doing some diffuse map painting they took up over a GB of RAM, pushing it uncomfortably close to the 4 GB RAM I have installed in this system. CS5 was also taking incredibly long to apply brush strokes to the diffuse map I was working on, with a lag of tens of seconds between clicking on the spot and having it applied. It's close to infuriating, but fortunately I'm a very patient person :)

The prospect of upgrading to a new system with a faster CPU (currently an X2 4450e at 2.3 GHz, I would like a 6-core X6 Thuban like the 1090T) and more RAM (currently 4 GB, I would like 8-12 GB) isn't in the realm of possibilities yet, however. First I have to struggle on with what I have, then I can upgrade to something better. Money first~

I'm currently home alone, as Pieter is again in Italy for his work until later tomorrow. What I realize is that without someone like him around I really don't have the faintest clue what to do besides working. You could say that the concept of 'relaxation' and 'down time' is completely foreign to me. Or maybe having to abandon purely intellectual activities and switching to something to do with icky emotions is what scares me away. I do notice that when I'm engrossed in intellectual pursuits I feel energetic and perfectly fine. Then, outside those moments I feel my energy draining away, I get strange pains (left side of my head has been hurting again a lot lately) and feel restless.

One thing even more true these past months is that when I think I feel okay in an emotional sense, such as last Monday, I mostly definitely am not. It's just that with the stress and frustration increasing my mind responds by pushing the offending parts even further away into the dark recesses. Even now as I type this I feel this incredible pressure. Many times I find that I have again begun to hyperventilate, all because it's such an emotional turmoil deep inside me. It's a constant panic mode which I can not do anything about but keep the lid on as firmly as possible.

Is it healthy? No. Can I do anything else? Nope. Am I screwed if this continues? You bet I am.


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