Saturday, 23 October 2010

Supression And Distractions

It's still not going well with me. Only thing I can say is that I seem to have reached some kind of equilibrium between my suicidal and lighter moods. I still feel horrible when I think about my current situation, but it no longer controls me. I am very careful to not let anything disturb this balance, however, which is why I'm not enabling my phone or other forms of direct contact. Email is the most risky thing I'm exposing myself to, and I have had to assure my mother and some friends that I'm not going to do anything rash.

Once again, let me repeat that I do not desire to die, or to take my own life. I am however under a great deal of stress, at times like these even more. Today I have been in emotional shock for much of the day, but even outside it I feel a splitting headache, severe nausea resulting in me eating almost nothing today (2 slices of bread which nearly made me throw up, plus some chocolate), dizziness and hyperventilating. The thing is that a happier environment would resolve most of these symptoms, but I lack the financial capability for this, and the road to securing such funds is still a long and difficult one.

I did an online test at after a friend messaged me with their phone number. I didn't call them, but I did browse the resources on their site. The result of the 21-question test is:

"You regularly think about suicide, and this deserves serious attention. You are possibly desperate, and it's important that you don't keep this to yourself. It seems important to us that you seek help. [..]
"It is also a good idea to contact your GP, who can see whether medication or regular off-line therapy could help you."

Nothing new, I guess. I am desperate, I need attention, which I actively seek. As pointed out on self-help sites, suicide is still a taboo, so talking about it usually results in people shunning you. In other words, most people do not take the issue of suicide serious enough, resulting in far too many unnecessary deaths. I just have to look at my own extended family for at least one such case. If I had known what was going on with my cousin, I would have done anything to help her. It's the worst feeling ever when someone you care about has killed him or herself and you know you maybe could have done something, anything to prevent it.

It's also a terrible feeling to be at the other side of the fence. I look at people and wish they could all feel the pain I feel inside, yet so few even bother to try to understand it, and even those fail. When someone claims to understand what you're going through, but they do not it's far worse than if they just ignore you. I don't care much that the average person I meet doesn't really know that I regularly think about suicide. I do care when people close to me do not fully grasp it, and end up hurting me specifically because they are close to me. This weekend is yet another example of this. It's the flipside of allowing oneself to become friends with someone else.

My natural response at this point is therefore of course the classical withdrawal response; at getting hurt the reflex is to protect one from further damage by cutting off contact with others, thereby limiting the chance of any of them hurting you as well. When it comes to suicide, this is the one situation where those around the person have to absolutely step in and reassure that contact with others is essential and absolutely not always hurtful. Isolation only increases the possibility of suicide.

I have two great friends, both of which I have been talking to today, which cheered me up and allowed me to see the brighter sides of life again. Some other friends and people I know have been messaging me as well. Thank you, all of you for supporting me when I need it most :)

The best thing I can do for now, I guess, is to await November 9th and see what the effect, if any, of the TV broadcast will be, and whether I'll have a response from the US by then. I so long for getting a bit more direction in my life. There's absolutely no pleasure in not knowing what's going to happen in any aspect of one's life.

One thing I did accomplish today was finish debugging the synchronization link between the local and remote sections of the Nyanko CMS I have been working on again as of late. In the end I had to resort to using Wireshark to sniff the network traffic to figure out exactly where things were going haywire. Next up is integrating the debugged code back into the CMS trunk and finishing the last parts of the CMS so that I can get my client/cousin's website online by the end of next week.

At least something nice happened today...


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