Thursday, 7 October 2010

Within Or Without, There Is Only Emptiness

Contentment. Such a simple word, yet so hard to grasp what it really means. Does contentment imply happiness? What does happiness really mean? Isn't it all just a matter of where one stands in life? Isn't all of existence meaningless when it really comes down to it? Then how can terms like contentment, happiness, joy and others be anything but self-delusion?

I have had to re-evaluate the value I assign to my body many times, and most of the time I arrive at the conclusion that I'm a fool for even giving thought to the non-purely practical aspects of having a human body. Why this concern with finding friends, and someone to mate with? There's no point in reproducing since everything dies anyway, and sexuality is just giving in to bestial urges, which do not serve any purpose whatsoever. And aren't friends just a sign that humankind is just so terribly poor at cooperating that only small clumps of people can endure each other's company?

When I think of myself living on my own a number of months from now, I can only imagine me existing the way I do now; all alone in a room, with no friends dropping by, and without a girlfriend living together with me. To even assume that things can be differently is sheer lunacy, merely wishful thinking, not to mention staying optimistic about one's options in the face of crushing reality. Thinking and dreaming about such things only distract.

Maybe contentment and happiness is when you do not feel the emptiness within any more, nor the emptiness without when there are people around who don't merely pass you by on their way through life. Why do I long for this? I assume it's because right now I feel miserable about my current situation, so that anything different and not obviously worse has got to be desirable.

Yet in the end, isn't emptiness the only constant in life?



Anonymous said...

Well Maya, it's your choice to move...
I have asked you early this year to visit you but I never got an answer.

Anyway, I am sure Pieter will visit you from time to time.

Carin said...

The perks of living on your own:
* picking out new things just for yourself.
* girlie girlie shit, yay!!!!! Let the pink, purple and frills flow in abundance!!!!
* not having to be happy go lucky when you feel down in the dumps just to keep up appearences.
* you can run around nakid when you want to!
* you can go around in your pj's until late afternoon without anyone asking questions or raising an eyebrow.
* make a room for everything you like. Imagine a room for clothes alone!!!

It CAN be a happy place, but it needs YOU to make it so.

and uhm: Pieter's girlfriend is cool. Give her half a chance and i think you'll like her.

Nighty Night said...

hey there :) (it's vic here).
i do know how it feels to be very isolated, i was like that for years with my mum, but the first step when trying to change things is to accept your solitude and to like it. i know it sounds weird, but if you devalue your own company then you put others on too high a pedestal and become overly dependent on others. been there, done that. it's often much better to be having a good time on your own than with a bunch of idiots, and you've got nice friends. me included ;) and things WILL change, they are already.

let's make plans for next weekend when i've stopped throwing up!