Martyr

Commenting on my previous post, it appears that I was correct in saying that the effects from last weekend are at least semi-permanent. Even a few days later now, it does feel like something big has changed, and when I feel around in a mental fashion, I can feel that something inside me has... crumbled, I guess that's the best way to describe it. Exposure to similar impulses as during the traumatic events of the past weekend show a massively increased response, even over 24 hours after the actual event, which is unusual.

In more happy news, I got an email response from Linda Voortman, one of the two Green Left politicians I sent an email to on Thursday. She expressed her interest in talking to me on the subject of intersexuality, apologized for her busy agenda, and I'll soon hear where I'll fit into this agenda. Score one for my lobbying attempts :) I just hope I can get an appointment some time this month.

It seems as though my life seems to revolve around two things at this point: my work on one hand and my efforts to bring awareness on the subject of intersexuality. Where does a personal life fit into this all? I'm not sure I even have one. Back when I was withdrawn into myself I only occupied myself with learning intellectual things, after I got out of it things haven't changed much. I find things outside my work to be extremely tiring, emotionally uncomfortable and generally unpleasant, though I do feel a desire to be able to just enjoy things like playing a video game, an instrument or just to relax.

Is my fight for recognition of intersexuality really the only thing left in my life? Was there even anything else? It seems like I have never really learned to relax, to enjoy something, to not view something with the utmost paranoia, to more or less trust people. Maybe that's why I'm so desperate to finish this war on ignorance, that I may then finally get started on something resembling a life.

Yesterday the American woman who is helping me find a place willing to look at my case sent out the first batch of 20 letters. I can't wait to hear what the responses from the hospitals, universities and such are. Maybe I'll really be going to the US in a month or two, and there they'll finally figure out what's the matter with my body. Maybe this country I currently find myself in really is just located somewhere in Hell and I just didn't notice it until before. I don't want to get my hopes up, but the thought of being a study object at a US university or similar is very appealing to me, so it's hard not to.

Finally some tidbits I can't really place anywhere, but which I have been itching to mention for a while. Friday at the cinema Pieter got asked what my age was, this for the 16+ Resident Evil: Afterlife movie. Sunday at the pool a Chinese woman I talked to before thought I was around 16, maybe 18. It's a nice thing :)


Maya