Thursday, 28 February 2008

Nice Try, But You Failed~

Yesterday went pretty much as planned. The weather was rather nice, with lots of sun, though I didn't get to ride my bicycle as I had forgotten the second place I wanted to visit was also right next to a trainstation I'd pass by. Ah well, enough chances to ride my new bike left :D

After dinner the AD&D game night started, and was fun as usual. This campaign's story plays in a big city, where I as a bard have just met a group of people all part of or at least connected to some rich and important people. One of them invited me to dinner and to perform as well as stay at his place, an offer which I accepted :)

I still can't stop thinking about creating a hybrid table top/digital version of AD&D, in which people are still sitting around a table but with the world really brought to life in the most free-form RPG videogame possible. It should be interesting to see what I can come up with, with the help of my AD&D pals.

After the AD&D night ended and people went home, friend A stayed for a bit so that he could get a copy of the CD with MRI images as well as a copy of the MRI analysis report. We talked for over an hour until he went home. I can't wait to see what his appointment on Tuesday results in.

I'm still waiting for a response from my former physician regarding my file, but even after two emails in the span of a week I haven't received a single response yet. So annoying. Yesterday NG sent me the response he received from P.T. Cohen-Kettenis, the psychologist also mentioned in the AISNederland article. She's supposedly the one who created the intersexuals subdivision within the gender team of the VUMC. Her response basically said that they're looking at the things I've mentioned to them and that I'll receive a response once the whole team has looked at it. I take this to mean that she only knows about the fact that I was supposed to come there and doesn't know yet that I was kicked in the face and forced to retreat to take care of my injuries. She's part of those @#$@$% bastards who I'd like to @#$@# and @#$%@# @#$#@% until they beg for mercy, or die. I seriously hate all of those people with more than just a passion. I don't expect anything from her, in other words. I sent her a response along these lines.

One thing I mentioned to A yesterday, namely that I seemed to have stabilized emotionally since Wednesday last week, turns out to be completely wrong. It's now clear to me, also after my outburst of anger after reading the response of Cohen-Kettenis (what could they in heaven's name still be talking about if they were so set on discounting my opinion last week?), that that event literally pushed me off the edge of a cliff emotionally speaking.

A few days ago I scared NG a bit by asking him whether there were any sleeping pills or such in the house in amounts large enough to be used for suicide, since I felt afraid I might attempt such a thing considering my thoughts the night before. Fortunately no such things are available, but as I mentioned to A yesterday, if this situation were to last half a year longer without significant progress, I'd have stock-piled sleeping pills by then and killed myself.

For this reason I have decided to undo most of the emotional growth I've gone through the past years, to revert more or less back to the state I was in during early 2005, with some significant improvements. Nevertheless I feel that destroying most of my emotional side is a step I need to take to protect myself. I'm too terrified of what possible, harmful actions I might take otherwise if I don't do this.

Some people may have noticed already that I quit visiting Facebook. This was because I partially withdrew into myself again. I won't be visiting that site again, even after killing off my emotions, as it's a useless waste of time. Instead I'll be focusing on my work, work and more work.

Welcome to Purgatory~


1 comment:

Alianirlian said...

Hi Maya,

After reading your last post, I feel that I might have something to say again. (Or rather, there was stuff I wanted to say earlier, but this really triggered something in me). What strikes me most in your last post is how much power you give others (here, those damned psychologists in the VU) over yourself, over your emotions. I don't mean to say that you should just ignore everything they said and did - if only it were that easy! - but I'm frightened by the fact that their reactions can bring you to the brink of self-extermination.

Right now, you are beginning new things. You've moved to a new place, you have met new people. There are people enough around you who are willing to help you, and that's a good thing. For this alone, I hope you won't fully retreat to that state you have been in several years ago. Things have changed since then, and you have changed since then. I know that falling back to old behaviour is sometimes necessary out of self-protection (out of experience), but try to come out of it once things have quieted down.

I'm a roleplayer myself (actually, I live in Almere too, and we too run a regular D&D group - though not on wednesday :) ) and ever since I started roleplaying, I have found that as a general rule roleplayers are a welcoming, supporting and very understanding group. I have my own history, of course, and won't go into too much detail of that, but I can tell you that I found my first real friends amongst roleplayers, and that has made up for a lot of things in the past. I can only hope that you will have a similar experience over time, and I certainly hope you can allow yourself to be open for such experiences.


(a roleplayer name, of course... :) )