Monday, 4 February 2008

Where Was I...

Sorry for not updating yesterday. Due to circumstances this wasn't feasible, as I'll explain in a moment. Rest assured that it wasn't because I dislike writing these posts, or dislike you, my dear reader. Those who know me better know quite well that I very much enjoy an audience to my writings. Anyway, moving on.

I haven't felt as I'm feeling today in a long, long time. I'm not sure what its origin is, but I do feel a certain kind of giddiness accompanied by doubt and upbeat optimism which both confuses and excites me. However, I do seem to be getting ahead of the story. My apologies for this.

Everything started yesterday, when a guy I know via the internet, and who lives relatively nearby invited me to go watch a movie at the cinema in his city, Almere. Since I trust this guy I accepted the invitation, got to pick a movie (I Am Legend) and was picked up by him in his car at around 4 PM. After dinner at his place (we picked up Chinese food on the way), we went to the cinema.

The movie was absolutely fantastic. I can really recommend this movie, I Am Legend, to anyone. It is one of the few Hollywood productions I've seen which aren't full of plot holes and palm-to-forehead moments. The scenes of the streets of New York City, in their abandoned and overgrown glory are absolutely breathtaking. It made me want to just walk there and enjoy the sunlight, plants and animals while listening to the sound of birds. This all contrasted with the dark regions of the city, where the sunlight never reaches. Simply beautiful.

So after the movie had ended, we went back to the guy's home. On our way back I had already decided that I'd prefer to stay the night at his place, instead of driving back in the dark. The guest room at his place is truly nice, with soft carpet, a soft and comfortable bed and not a single sound during the night. But before I went to bed (it was around 9 PM by then), we went to sit in the computer room for a while, where I could check my social sites and such and we also watched another movie (Spaceballs, a Star Wars parody), aside from talking a lot, mostly about my own issues.

At some points I already got quite emotional, like when he showed me a statue involving a mirror with a dragon wrapped around it. It was just like those statues the girl I had been with in Norway and who I still care a lot for adores. Just seeing the statue and remembering certain things made me shed a few tears. I think it was one of the reasons why I began to feel quite lonely and when he left for a short while to walk the dogs I just sat there, staring at the dragon statue.

When the guy returned, he asked me whether I was alright. I replied that I just felt so completely alone, after which he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. I returned his hug and we basically just sat there, hugging and talking and being together. The rest of the day we just sat there and watched movies and found comfort in each other's presence. The next morning we spent a while in my bed, just hugging and cuddling. After breakfast he drove me back to Zaandam, where I introduced him to the lady and master of the house. They too took a liking to him. A while after that the guy and I said our goodbyes.

How do I feel about this whole experience? Happy, because this guy is such a nice person and a gentleman who gave me so much attention when I needed it the most. Confused, because I don't know what I should think or feel about him. Tormented, because in a sense it's as though I betrayed my friend who is still in Canada. Sick, because it's this desire of me to feel love and physical intimacy which is causing me so many issues. I just don't know what to do next.

In other news, I got a whole pile of clothes, jeans and tops, from the neighbour's daughter, which she had left over. All of it fit me just fine, so I'm happy with a new set of clothes. I've tried them all on and pranced around in front of the mirror in my room. I must admit that I do look somewhat attractive.

Until the next drama-filled episode,


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