Friday, 8 February 2008

Not Sure, Exactly...

Yesterday's post definitely got me a lot of comments, and also a lot of sympathy. I'm still not feeling one-hundred percent, but at least I have calmed down emotionally, albeit while feeling tired and somewhat out of it all day.

Last night I went to bed at around 11 PM, right after writing the blog post and while feeling too miserable to even cry, as well as bumping into everything while preparing for bed as though I had lost control of the finer motions of my body. Fortunately I was able to fall asleep quite quickly. Yet when I woke up, I still felt miserable and depressed, possibly more than before I went to bed. I also felt tired, yet with thoughts racing in my mind I felt too restless to sleep more.

When I said 'restless' I meant that at points I was just abusing the pillow out of frustration and pain. When I got out of bed, I started hitting the lower part of my tummy and especially the groin area repeatedly with a lot of force using my clenched fists, to then start crying in sheer misery. Since going back to bed was no option, I then sat down behind my notebook and fired up MSN again, which I had shut down yesterday night when I felt like pushing out the entire world.

I then noticed that it was only about 3.30 AM, meaning that I had had only about 4 hours of sleep. No wonder I felt tired. Unsure of what I was going to do to pass the time aside from watching some videos, suddenly a female friend contacted me on MSN. She had earlier posted a comment on my previous post and wanted to discuss it a bit more. My (male) friend also noticed that I was online and thus I ended up discussing yesterday's post in finer details with the two of them. I'm not sure exactly what was said or done, but I do remember that I cried a lot yet gradually grew calmer until I began to start nodding off on my chair.

At 6 AM I went back to bed and quickly fell asleep. Then around 11 AM I got a phonecall which woke me up. It was the friend from Almere who got worried about me since I didn't respond on MSN (stupid auto-away didn't work), had changed my MSN avatar to something less happy and didn't respond to multiple emails. On the phone I assured him that I was fine, yet really wanted to sleep some more :)

Unfortunately, if I'm awoken in such a fashion it's really hard for me to get back to sleep again, so before 12 PM I got out of bed, got dressed and had brunch. For some reason while trying to get back to sleep earlier I got this sudden brainwave on an artificial intelligence project I'm working on, and felt really motivated to work on it, so aside from watching some videos, that's what I've been spending my time on today.

I'm not sure when I'll be posting a new blog post tomorrow, as I'll be picked up from home at around 8.30 PM to spend the weekend in Almere, but I'll try to post every day :)

So long, all you funny little people~



Adriana said...

I'm female friend? ^^ *hug*

Maya Posch said...

Last time I checked, yes ;)

*hugs back lots*

Thank you :)

Alianirlian said...

Hi Maya,

Though it's the first time I respond here, I've been following your blog for awhile. I've been a bit hesitant to write here, not really knowing what to say, or even how to say it in a way that might make some sense. It's odd, writing this way, knowing that I already know some things of you through your writing, and you virtually nothing of me. (I did react once before, while you were writing on the Libelle forum, under the nick Mercutio then. Not that that was really informative.)

Anyway. Let's see where this takes us. First, I'm glad to see your mood improved a bit. Based on what I've read from you, you *are* indeed a fighter, and not likely to give up. The depth and intensity of your feelings shows how much has happened to you, around you and how much is still going on. Your story isn't ended by far. Keep on writing. Keep on living.


(and if you want to know a bit more about me, there's some stuff from and about me on This isn't meant as spam, it's just that with all the things I've read about you, this is one way I can think of to return the favour...)

Frekie said...





Maya Posch said...

Thank you for your kind words, alianirlian. It's really nice to know that kind people like you are reading my blog :) I'll definitely check out your site.

*snuggles Frekie* ;)