Thursday, 21 February 2008

Sometimes You Just Want To Kill Them~

Sorry for not posting any updates the past few days. It seems I managed to wear myself out enough to only feel like sleeping. The moving went well, however. Monday I got picked up by Mr Nice Guy, to receive my stuff from the moving company 8 AM the next morning and spent the rest of the day unpacking boxes and arranging the room. Wednesday (today) Mr Nice Guy and I went to a DIY store to pick up some bolts and screws to replace the missing parts of my desk, which seem to have vanished somewhere during the moving. Ah well.

12 PM I left for the train station, to arrive in Amsterdam Zuid close to 1 PM, where I met up with this nice guy I had met via the internet years ago already. We ate a bit at a restaurant near the WTC and at around 2 PM we walked together to the VUMC hospital, where he wished me luck and after an embrace I went inside the hospital.

It was definitely strange to return to this place I had never thought I'd visit again after all of my bad experiences there. Ah well, this time things would be different. I mean, what could be the worst thing that could happen? They seemed to be taking my case serious now and acknowledgement of my 'issue' couldn't be far off now. After a bit of a wait I was finally invited inside by the endocrinologist, De Ronde.

My first impression after looking at this man can be summed up as 'Geez, a scruffy old guy. This can never be a good thing'. And how right I was. I really don't want to recall the details of this disgusting 'conversation', but in short this guy, despite not being trained to interpret MRI images (he even admitted so), thought that he couldn't see a vagina (the 'tube' part) on the MRI, and despite not seeing a prostate he assumed that because the outer male parts have developed 'normally' (I pointed out why this isn't the case), I had to have a prostate. He also told me that it was impossible for a person to have both male and female organs, despite there being millions of cases in which this is or was the case. For a person supposedly being specialized in intersexuality ( in Dutch), he knows absolutely nothing about this subject.

So basically he discounted the analysis made by the German clinic, saying that he couldn't see any of the things they saw, and that the MRI images looked normal to him. He didn't want to say that I'm male when I pushed him on this, but also didn't say that I am female. Also he says I'm not intersexual, which thus leaves me as undefined. This guy is full of shit.

After tens of minutes of this nonsense I got up in the midst of the 'conversation', picked up my jacket and bag and left the room after telling him that I was neither angry nor disappointed). On my way out of the hospital I took out a few plants and trash cans to relieve my frustration. Outside while walking to the train station I felt absolutely horrible, even self-destructive. I crossed a few roads without looking to see whether a car was coming, resulting in me nearly getting run over. When walking on the train platforms the thought to jump in front of a train crossed my mind a few times. I had to keep myself firmly in control to keep myself from bursting out in tears.

It was clear that my emotional side had pretty much completely collapsed at this inhumane treatment at the VUMC by this #$%$# piece of #$%$# %^$% who'd be better of #@#$@# @$#@$# at a @#$@#. Yes, I felt confused and angry at this treatment, which I could not match with common sense. For some reason it felt exactly the same as with the psychologists at the VUMC (and Zutphen) during 2005-2007. I managed to keep myself in check until I returned home and Mr NG came to greet me and ask how it went. At that point I couldn't hold myself back anymore and cried for many minutes while telling pieces of what had happened.

That was when Mr NG showed me again why he's such a great and caring person. He immediately suggested that I should make an appointment with a local physician and drove me to the health center to allow me to register (I'll have to get the registration forms back to them tomorrow morning) and an appointment was made for Friday. NG also said that he'll help me find a place where they will treat me with respect, even if it's in Belgium or Germany. Some of his friends might also be able to help.

I met a group of those friends today as well, with the weekly AD&D game night, which I returned from a few hours ago. It was really fun. These friends are definitely great people. I just hope that they won't change their position against me when they learn about my 'secret', though I doubt they would.

Anyway, I'm totally sick of the 'health care' here in the Netherlands. The VUMC gets my vote for the worst and most worthless 'hospital' in the entire galaxy. They've damaged me at least as much as the rape has, and I'm getting fucking tired of this everlasting pain. I've been crying so much today and questioning everything about me. Having been raised as a boy makes it really easy to see myself as a boy, of course. And without a fix for my IS condition I don't see how this'll change, period.

I just want to know what in the world I am, who I am and why so many people seem to be intent on destroying my life, or what's left of it. I'm so sick and tired of this all...


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