Wednesday, 6 February 2008

My God, The Pain...

Today can be summed up as follows: visiting my grandparents to fix their PC (re-installation of Windows), and a talk with a friend resulting in me breaking down completely again.

The girl in question I was talking to didn't mean any harm, but the moment she happened to mention things she did with her boyfriend (use your imagination), I began to feel really... down and kind of sick. After she went to bed a short while ago, I suddenly broke down in tears and realized what bothered me about what she had said.

She can do something I can't. She can do something and talk about experiences which I can not experience and may never experience. If I'm supposed to be a girl, then what in the world is up with that, damnit?! Gawd, I can get so sad but mostly angry about this all.

I'm not complete. I'm a fragmented, broken remainder of what might once have become a human being, yet which has been hindered in its growth and as a result has withered and will never develop any further. Whatever happens in the future... I refuse to believe that things will ever turn out right. Nothing ever has. Right now I've got nothing but an empty life and infinite dreams which only depress me further. I'm forever stuck in this withered state.

Honestly, if I die in my sleep tonight, I'd be happy that I'm rid of this eternal pain inside my chest, ripping away pieces with clawed fingers, digging deep into every piece of exposed flesh and cruelly exposing it to limitless violence. Where once my heart had its place is now a throbbing mass of pain, doubt and darkness. I already ceased to exist on this planet many years ago and I'll never return.

Why am I still wrestling with this pain if I'm fighting a lost war? I don't know. I can't... or perhaps I don't really want to think about it, pushing the question to the back of my mind every time it reappears. Yet I know that at some point I won't be able to dodge this question anymore. At that moment I'll realize fully how I'm just clinging to an existence on this planet which has faded a long time ago and vanish forever.

I want to sleep forever...



Adriana said...

I will be honest with you, I like you more when you're positive about your life. Think about it, you're 20 something and you're fighting this on your own. Somebody else would have killed themselves already. You don't give up. You have dreams, that's what matters. You have wishes and you should be happy that at least you have that. It'd be worse if you didn't have a purpose to fulfill. What use is somebody's existence if they're pointless? What use is your life if you're only waiting to die? Maya, don't give up because dreams DO come true and I think that yours will soon be accomplished. Don't give up on them nor on yourself. You are making a lot of progress and you have been only improving since I met you. You are a strong woman, Maya. Never stop dreaming, honey. That's when life truly ends.

Maya Posch said...

Thank you for your supportive post, adriana. However, I've never quite experienced negative emotions like this so strongly and it's affecting me so much right now, like how I just now woke up from about 4 hours of sleep, feeling at least if not more depressed than when I went to bed. I have no idea what to do about this depression this time, other than wait until it passes. I hope it'll pass soon.