Monday, 12 November 2007

And So Life Goes On~

Nobody ever said life was easy, but few things are as hard as losing someone or something precious to you. Earlier today Patches, favourite cat of my boyfriend and everyone else who had ever met him, passed away after a long struggle against FIV, the feline form of HIV. Despite all the struggles this wonderful cat had to put up with, he nevertheless was the happiest cat one could find, for over 11 years. We'll all deeply miss him.

Yet life goes on. Time is still ticking and decisions which should be taken today won't wait for someone to make up his or her mind. With a heavy heart after experiencing a loss one still has no choice but to turn around and continue walking towards the future. And so we shall.

I'm glad I started this blog. I've already received so many positive comments and generally people seem to realize a lot better what I've gone through and thus find it easier to get closer to me. One thing people do not seem to really grasp, however, is my seemingly unfounded hatred against anything male. Allow me to take an axe to the tree of male self-confidence in the following lines:

A number of years ago a cousin of mine, as well as her sister, were sexually abused by her uncle and another man. This cousin ended up committing suicide because she couldn't deal with it. She was just one year older than me. No action was undertaken against the perpetrators.

A good friend of mine was, starting early in her youth, sexually abused by her father and brothers. Then later raped by a 'friend'. I've also got some issues with her boyfriend, who managed to hurt her a lot by trying to make her pregnant despite the fact that she's nearly infertile, resulting in miscarriage after miscarriage. The poor girl was still dealing with so many issues that she didn't even object to this. To me this represents a girl who has been completely broken by the cruelty of men. Naturally I smacked that boyfriend around to make him realize what he was doing. He seems to have repented.

As I told in an earlier post, my trust in this 'friend' I met about a year ago was brutally betrayed by him forcing himself on me, making me deal with a guilt complex, a shattered self-image and a seemingly eternal distrust of anything resembling a male. I feel that I have to defend girls against guys now. It's taken me a while to realize that not all girls need to be protected, and that some guys are okay.

Few people seem to realize the impact of having one's body violated. My case wasn't that severe in retrospective, yet the emotional impact of it no less severe. The feeling of having one's trust in people so brutally disturbed is painful beyond belief. Based on my direct and indirect experiences with intimacy and sexuality, I have thus subconsciously come to the conclusion that males are self-centered, ruthless brutes, who lack any sense of a conscience. Naturally, allowing them near girls is thus wrong and has to be avoided. This also means that I have trouble understanding why a girl would want to be with a guy, as this poses an unacceptable risk. A guy can never do anything which won't harm the girl in the end, right?

And this is why I need to face this trauma head-on. Assuming things go as planned, next Saturday I'll be exposed to a lot of sexual experiences which'll make me feel uncomfortable or worse. I may even run away screaming and/or in shock in the worst case. Best case it'll be a largely positive experience, however, which is what I'm counting on. I have however canceled the threesome, as I didn't trust the guy one bit. Yes, I'm still careful :)

Wish me luck, if you dare...


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