Monday, 12 November 2007

Keeping the Faith

Today Patches was buried next to his favourite tree. It's the final farewell to this wonderful animal, yet we'll never forget him. He'll forever live on in our memories, and in at least one of our Artificial Intelligence projects, which has been dedicated to him.

Earlier today I had been struggling with a few of my emotional issues. Basically what it comes down to is that I find it very hard to trust people due to my social isolation trauma, which is kind of messed up: I really want to be with people and be friends and be loved and experience physical contact (like hugging and just being silly in general), yet at the same time I feel that I can not trust people to help me. That in the end they don't really care about me and will always abandon me. This of course extends into the upcoming medical stuff once I'm in Canada. I honestly can not believe or have faith in that anyone is going to help me there. On a rational level I know it's the best option I have and will probably work out fine, but emotionally I have kind of given up hope, if I ever had any.

That I feel like this isn't so crazy, of course. Being without social interaction for about 19 years, feeling like you're on your own all that time, then being chewed out and ridiculed by those psychologists who I had pinned my hopes on... All taken together I can't honestly remember a time when someone was actively helping me with anything. It'll take me a long time to get rid of these feelings, but that can only happen if I actually receive active help. The crushing feeling of being on my own and without assistance from others, false as it may be, sure doesn't help me cope with it.

In more positive news, after some talks with my boyfriend, I have decided to take a karyotype test after all. This test will basically show whether I'm XX or not. I do not expect the results of this test to be very shocking, as the development of my skeleton among other anatomical features does show a development not seen with XY genes. It is however possible that I'm a chimera, i.e. the result of two fetuses merging in the womb (I was part of a twin, the other fetus supposedly didn't survive), in which case I could have both XX and XY cells. Chimeras are a common cause of intersexuality.

A karyotype test is carried out on cells extracted from one's blood. Along with that test I'll have my hormone values checked again as well. I haven't noticed anything that'd indicate a disturbed hormone balance, but one can't be careful enough. Especially since I've had to determine the proper doses of the testosterone blocker and estradiol tablets which I'm taking (without prescription!) myself. The amount of support I'm getting even from my own physician is pretty much hovering a few femtometers from zero. No wonder I'm bitter about my experiences so far, I guess.

In other news, I bought those new boots :) I'll put up some pics on my Facebook profile (see links section) hopefully tomorrow. Until then,


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