Wednesday, 14 November 2007

Someone Put Me Out Of My Misery, Please...

This morning I went to the hospital to give some blood for the karyotype test. This went okay. I don't know yet when the results will be known, though.
I should have asked when I was there, but I forgot. I sent an email today to the hospital to ask, if I don't receive a reply by tomorrow, I'll call them.

I've realized that the results of this test mean more to me than I had anticipated. Apparently my inability to fully accept/justify that I'm female can be made a lot better or worse by the results, even though I know I shouldn't make such a fuss about it, since they're hardly conclusive. Yet I feel that if the result is XY, my world will pretty much collapse.

The past days I haven't slept well. I'm stressed beyond belief. I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the entire world, plus a bit more, and I don't see when this will end. I wish I could stop worrying about things and relax. At the rate things are going I'm not sure how long I'll last.

My hope is that this is just another phase I have to go through on my road to recovery, but the lack of people actively assisting me certainly isn't helping. I still feel like the psychologists and doctors here in The Netherlands hate me and make fun of me, that other people just pat me on the back while I struggle onwards, towards that distant goal, while well aware of the broken down bridges and impassable abysses on the way.

What am I clinging on to and why? At times like this I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'm still sitting here in my room, behind my PC, only really communicating via the Internet. This is no different from what I've done for the past 10 years or so. I'm still alone, without real-life friends and people beyond my direct family who care at least a bit about me. In my mind I can see this future in Canada, where I'll be living happily with lots of friends, my boyfriend and build up a wonderful company which will fulfill my dreams. I so want it to be true, but reality is so unforgiving that it almost makes me want to give up.

I was supposed to have gotten today an invite for that orgy on Saturday, but I didn't receive it. I just happened to have sent an email asking for confirmation today as well, and just heard about it. Now I'm supposed to contact them by phone tomorrow. Still waiting for that phone number. Things like this don't really make me want to go through with it anymore. I'm playing with thoughts of just canceling the whole thing and curl up in a dark corner and forget about it all, pretend everything is fine.

I'll still be going out with that guy in Enschede, though. I should contact him tomorrow for the final arrangements... if only I knew whether there is something on Saturday or not :(

Going to cry myself to sleep now,


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