Saturday, 24 November 2007

Tired Of Feeling Unique...

Today I finally woke up feeling somewhat rested. I even had a really intense dream last night, very random and filled with strong images from things relevant to me right now. I guess that's a good sign.

Early this morning the conversation in one IRC channel ended up about hermaphrodites. The female owner of the channel went off to find pictures of hermaphrodites on her own and posted links to them in the channel. Curious as to how I'd respond to it, I clicked those links and was greeted by some quite familiar sights. Generally it seems I don't respond in a shocked manner or so anymore. It just made me feel quite miserable that in my case the labia are still firmly grown together, I guess. I used to be in denial about my own body and profusely deny the possibility that there'd be others like me, so things do improve.

My latest 'obsession' is the fact that I don't seem to receive any help, while thousands of intersexuals and transsexuals are receiving help every day. That's enough to crush one's spirits in a quite firm way, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to live with it.

Because of this and my positive response to seeing others like me, I have decided to take a step I couldn't have taken even a short while ago.

In general I tend to prefer doing things myself. This preference has been distorted by the social isolation, however. Whenever I feel hurt or misunderstood by others I tend to completely withdraw and such in order to deal with the feelings of frustration and pain instead of dealing with them directly. This also works through in my searching for help. After my horrible experience with 'experts' here in The Netherlands it has become really hard to open myself up to help from people who can help me with my physical issues and the mental things surrounding it.

Now I want to open myself up again to people who can help me and even accept that there are others like me and even talk with them. I don't want to feel like I'm all unique and alone anymore. For this reason I want to find and get into contact with an organization for intersexual people, to gain access to their resources and meet people who know what I'm going through and can offer emotional support.

One problem with this, however, is that I can not find this organization myself, unless I'm prepared to start feeling really upset again. I've noticed multiple times in the past that just stumbling over articles or such regarding transsexuals and to some extent intersexuals tend to really, really shock me, to the point where just glancing at the article could send me straight into a depression. That's one experience I'm not quite ready to go through again.

Therefore I'll probably have to enlist my boyfriend again to do the research for me, though I'd also very much appreciate suggestions from you, my dear readers. Please help me take this one giant step forward :)

Thank you all so much for putting up with silly me,


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