Wednesday, 28 November 2007

So Tired~

Not a bad kind of tired, though. I actually managed to do some work today, even though I hadn't slept well at all and felt horrible and depressed until well after noon, until I decided to take a (2-hour) nap. After that I felt a lot better.

I got a response from the journalist after sending her a reminder. Friday shortly after noon I'll be picking her up from the train station. The moving company also responded. They'll be dropping by on the 5th to give me a quote on how much it's going to cost to get my few belongings to Canada. I hope it'll be cheap enough. Researching moving companies gets old rapidly.

It's going to be a big rush to get the new company website in a usable state before Friday. We'll see how it goes. I really do love crushing deadlines :P

A little while ago I ended up in (yet another) discussion about sex and such. It was yet another reminder of how split I am on sexuality in general. On one hand I think it's something very interesting and something I'd really like to explore. At the other hand it's something which represents a large amount of (continuing) negativity to me. My general interest in sex has dropped to something close to zero.

What I am interested in, however, is getting attention for my 'issues'. It's hard to imagine a worse feeling than that of being abandoned, of being left alone to deal with some really painful things. After having been abused both mentally and sexually in the past 2+ years, it has made me quite bitter that afterwards I didn't receive much more than some pats on my back and people telling me how sorry they felt for me and how strong I must be to work my way through all that.

Thing is that I don't see myself as being strong. I'm just a weak, confused child who still hasn't really found her place. Wandering around I have to fight off attack after attack in a world I don't really understand. I'm not sure what drives me... It's more that I don't know what else I should do, and I still have this strong feeling of justice which tells me that if I give up, I'll abandon not only myself, but also those many people I still want to help. It'd also mean giving up on this big dream I have of a better world (cheesy, I know). Sometimes living for a dream, no matter how far away, is all one needs, I guess.

I'll better go to bed now before I really start talking nonsense. Goodnight, all of you crazy people ;)



Adriana said...

Haro Maya! Yes, it's Adriana. Yes, Dil's Adriana. Oh wow, that sounds funny. Anyway, just wanted to say hi and to let you know that I've added myself to the list of readers you have already hehe. Take care! *hug*

Maya Posch said...

Thank you, dear :) *hugs back*