So Tired~

Not a bad kind of tired, though. I actually managed to do some work today, even though I hadn't slept well at all and felt horrible and depressed until well after noon, until I decided to take a (2-hour) nap. After that I felt a lot better.

I got a response from the journalist after sending her a reminder. Friday shortly after noon I'll be picking her up from the train station. The moving company also responded. They'll be dropping by on the 5th to give me a quote on how much it's going to cost to get my few belongings to Canada. I hope it'll be cheap enough. Researching moving companies gets old rapidly.

It's going to be a big rush to get the new company website in a usable state before Friday. We'll see how it goes. I really do love crushing deadlines :P

A little while ago I ended up in (yet another) discussion about sex and such. It was yet another reminder of how split I am on sexuality in general. On one hand I think it's something very interesting and something I'd really like to explore. At the other hand it's something which represents a large amount of (continuing) negativity to me. My general interest in sex has dropped to something close to zero.

What I am interested in, however, is getting attention for my 'issues'. It's hard to imagine a worse feeling than that of being abandoned, of being left alone to deal with some really painful things. After having been abused both mentally and sexually in the past 2+ years, it has made me quite bitter that afterwards I didn't receive much more than some pats on my back and people telling me how sorry they felt for me and how strong I must be to work my way through all that.

Thing is that I don't see myself as being strong. I'm just a weak, confused child who still hasn't really found her place. Wandering around I have to fight off attack after attack in a world I don't really understand. I'm not sure what drives me... It's more that I don't know what else I should do, and I still have this strong feeling of justice which tells me that if I give up, I'll abandon not only myself, but also those many people I still want to help. It'd also mean giving up on this big dream I have of a better world (cheesy, I know). Sometimes living for a dream, no matter how far away, is all one needs, I guess.

I'll better go to bed now before I really start talking nonsense. Goodnight, all of you crazy people ;)


Maya