Obviously I didn't update my blog yesterday. This morning I woke up quite late feeling as though I had been run over by a freight train, both physically and mentally/emotionally. Whoever said that having sex is one of the best workouts was quite right. For me it also exposes a lot of my traumas and other issues.
Yesterday afternoon I went to that threesome in Enschede and met up with the couple. We had a nice talk before we went at it and for me the events which I'm still struggling to deal with started. It was a combination of the familiar and new things. The inability to feel that what's happening is real on an emotional level, the inability to experience a male orgasm as well as a general feeling of... confusion and uncertainty, I guess.
Since the man of the couple is bisexual, he wanted me to penetrate him as well. That experience proved for me that I'm indeed not bisexual in the classical sense. I simply feel not comfortable with using my male side in a bisexual fashion. This while using my female side for intercourse with a male is something I consider normal and even desirable, but which is also impossible at the moment until I get that surgery. Because of this the couple felt that the man was pushed to the sidelines. When they told me this today I felt horrible. It just reinforces for me that I'm just a freak for whom sexuality is something I'd better just forget about. Yes, I'm back to hating sexuality in general.
Perhaps I'll be able to enjoy my sexuality some time in the future, but with the way things are now, it's just something which keeps bothering and hurting me. I'd gladly be rid of it right now. On my way back from Enschede yesterday, I gradually descended back into a depression, to the point where I began to entertain the thought of committing suicide once more. Being worn out from my experiences that day, I had little energy left to fight back these negative feelings. I ended up crying myself to sleep once more. God, I hate this :(
Yet I voluntarily participated in this event, in the full knowledge that it'd hurt me. A lot. This is because I can only see two ways to find answers at the moment: one is through (positive) sexual experiences, the other is through medical tests. The latter is definitely the one I want to see the most, but which is impossible with the way things are now. I tried to reason with psychologists and doctors here in The Netherlands for over 2 years, only to be denied any form of help and adding a few more traumas and such to my emotional wreck of a mind. The continuing uncertainty about what my body is really like, what I really have down there and what other oddities may exist throughout my body, it just keeps destabilizing me emotionally.
*sighs*
The next few weeks I'll be spending processing these experiences and hopefully figure out some useful things. For now I'm completely through with sexuality in general and don't even want to think about it anymore. All I can conclude for now is that I'm 'different' to such an extent that I'm effectively defective.
I said before that I would like to work like crazy starting today, and I think that if I want to keep what remains of my sanity, I should do so. Waste some of that precious mental energy on doing useful work instead of thinking in circles.
Until next time,
Maya
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