Tuesday, 20 November 2007

Chasing That Faint Glimmer Of Hope...

Today I woke up feeling somewhat down. I didn't sleep very well and hours later I've still got a mild headache. The tossing and turning for a while after waking up didn't help much either.

This time it seems that the previous obsession, my sexuality, has now faded to the background and I seem to be able to focus more on my future. It sure is one hell of a mess.

Aside from moving to Canada to be with my friends and my boyfriend and receive medical care there I've got so many dreams, but all of it is still stuck on a minor detail: money. Simply put I'm pretty much broke, with currently no income. My hope since last year was that the company would begin generating money soon, and before that I'd get income from projects I did for a friend's company. The latter got stuck on clients slow with paying and the general mess of dealing with clients. I'm still supposed to get money from at least one project I did months ago.

As for the company's own projects... well, let's just say that I've really enjoyed wallowing in self-pity for a long time now, not to mention the frequent depressions and whining to random people. I sometimes feel disgusted with how weak I've been all that time. I really want to put all of it behind me so that I can move on with my future. Being stuck in the past sucks.

Sure, people will tell me that it couldn't be helped, that I needed the time to recover emotionally and such... but fact of the matter is that if I want everything to turn out fine, I have to be able to do things all by myself. If I can't fall back on my own resources and skills, then I simply don't have a backup plan. At this moment the only way I'll get to Canada is to borrow more money, and I'd hate that.

Next month will be the most expensive one in years for me. There's the monthly health-insurance payment (assuming I don't cancel it before that time), plus the beauty salon, plus the moving to Canada (moving company, plane ticket), and then the apartment costs including new furniture. Everything taken together a cool 5,000 Euro or so. It's going to be fun coughing up that money without any income.

The beauty salon expense, for those who want to know, is for (permanent) hair removal. One of the fun parts of an elevated testosterone level in women is that it promotes the growth of facial hair. Even more fun is that when this level is back to normal this growth does not stop. Obviously this isn't easy to deal with emotionally. Together with my other physical 'issues' it's the primary reason why I have so much trouble accepting that I'm a girl. Even though it's very easy for me to accept that I'm not a guy, since I've never even thought I was one :P

The IPL hair removal treatment will cost me a few thousand Euro in total. So far I have borrowed the money for it. I really hope my health insurance will pay me back at least some of it. The best thing that could happen would still be that I decide to stop slacking off and put some games and/or software online for sale with people actually buying it. Going to attempt this yet again today.


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