Saturday, 5 January 2008

Just Working~

Today still no internet. This is getting quite annoying. When we were at the Bell shop on Thursday they said that it'd take 5 business days to get the internet working instead of the usual two days because they had to deal with the new phone line first. The phone line (dry loop) has been active at least since Thursday, however. I have no idea what in the world they're doing over there. At this rate I won't have internet until Tuesday. How annoying.

Last night I slept a lot better. No more severe back pain and such, which is quite welcome. I felt nauseous again this morning, though. I have no idea why, but it seems to happy quite regularly now. I also sleep a lot more. I go to bed around 9 PM and wake up around 9 AM. Today I took a nap of 1.5 hours as well, and I'm feeling quite tired right now again.

I've more or less just thrown aside anything but my sense of duty and that's why I'm working a lot now. I've begun writing documentation and specifications for the first Alpha version of the first NyanKana game. I would have finished the script already for the game, but thanks to the wonderfully slow Bell people I can't do the final bits of research to finish it.

Emotionally I think that I'm at this point a worse mess than a while ago. A few moments ago I started feeling depressed and cried a bit, without any clear reason. My involuntary solitude may be part of the reason, together with the new environment. I don't think that I'll last much longer emotionally at this rate. Whenever I feel like curling up in a dark corner and cry out my eyes, it means that I've reached the breaking point. If I didn't have my work and this laptop I'm sure I'd have snapped days ago.

Today I also wrote the first poem in years. The last time I wrote one was in 2003 or 2004. This time I wrote about love, and how it's just a pointless and futile illusion with no future perspective, with friendship being the only proper way to be together with others. Yes, I know that people will hate me for saying things like this and point out that I'm probably not in the right state of mind for such things, and perhaps they're right. It's just that this is how I feel about it. I hate being completely alone, yet the thought of being together with the same person for years and years just frightens me.

Oh great... just got another bloody nose. Second one in four days. Ah well.

Goodnight, everyone.


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