Friday, 4 January 2008

Lonely But Somewhat Happy~

First of all, being all alone like this, with no one around I know and no internet access, is quite hard on me. I'm most definitely a people person. I mean, I don't mind being alone sometimes, but in the end I hate being alone for extended periods of time. Now that I left my family behind in The Netherlands, pretty much the only person here in Canada I know is my friend. Am I saying that I made a mistake in coming to Canada? I'm not sure... it'll probably work out either way, but I can say that it's doubtful that I'll find my place where I'll really want to be in either of these countries. I might actually end up moving to some Asian country as people have jokingly suggested before.

In other news, this morning my back hurt quite a lot probably thanks to the thin mattress I'm sleeping on now. It took me a long time to wake up as well, even after I got out of bed. I considered going back to bed, even, but after a few hours I started feeling better. Had breakfast and lunch and watched a lot of anime (Clannad).

Today is the first day in a long time that I can say that I've felt focused. Thanks to this I've been able to work a lot on the NyanKana script. Tomorrow I'll wrap up the parts I can finish, then I'll wait for my friend to pass me those pages to fill in the rest and it'll be a wrap-up on Monday, or Sunday, even. I might get my friend to pass the script to other people in the company to look it over and provide feedback. Hopefully I'll get my internet connection before that time. I feel really cut-off like this without internet :(

Ever since I arrived in Canada I've felt myself changing. Obviously it's an enormous confrontation and challenge to me, and I'm often struggling to keep up with things, but in general I think I'm managing. One thing I've noticed is that after I arrived here in Canada I became a lot more cynical and distant, but even before that it was something which had been happening. If I look at the things I did in 2005 and 2006 in terms of work, I was definitely far less occupied with my IS condition. It's as though it has slowly swallowed up all of my time and attention.

I think that I'm getting out of that obsession again, though. It's now back to less severe levels, though one definitely doesn't have to talk about sexuality with me. That's a definite no-go area still. Regardless I feel that I'm becoming more independent and adult-like in general.

Some other things aren't changing yet either. My experiences in Norway have most definitely traumatized me, and I feel that there are a lot of unfinished things I left behind in that place. I might have to go back one day to confront those things again, as well as find other ways to deal with it.

Another thing I've complained about a lot is how I saw men as a threat in general to women, that men are just insensitive, egocentric brutes without any form of a conscience. As it turns out this opinion hasn't changed much. Rather it's become clear to me that most men are indeed exactly like that. I'd much rather have been proven wrong, but statistics don't lie, unfortunately :( I'm still trying to deal with this fact, another reason why I seem to fail to understand the point of man/woman relationships, I guess.

Anyway, it's getting late here (9.45 PM,I love jetlag), so I'll better try to get some sleep. See you crazy people (all 10 or so who are still reading this after I went MIA for a week) tomorrow~


1 comment:

grim4593 said...

I know you have had some bad experiences with people, but man/woman relationships are far from pointless. If you can find someone that you love, that loves you back you can see why they are so great. I just became engaged to my girlfriend so maybe I am just to "uppity", but if you meet new people it will be easier for you to find someone that you want to spend time with.