Tuesday, 1 January 2008

Happy New Year~

Today was a really interesting start of the new year. Apparently my primary resolution for the new year is to nag anyone within reach about how miserable I feel about not getting a medical treatment for my IS condition immediately. When I was complaining to my friend about not being able to last much longer without clarity on the medical treatment yesterday, he found me a physician (GP) in Kitchener, who specializes in gyneacology. We'd visit this GP next week or so.

But today when we were talking about it again (online), I once more mentioned my displeasure with the lack of certainty. When he asked me what he could do about it, I kind of snapped and broke down in tears, cutting off communication for a while. When I came back online, my friend told me that he got pretty upset too, and had been talking to his parents, his father promising to look into the health insurance part. My friend will take me to the GP tomorrow, if possible. I apologized to my friend and his parents for being such a pain to deal with, but I still feel bad about it :( Hopefully things will at least work out tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the last day at the motel. I really can't wait to leave this place. First of all it's never nice to stay in a place which isn't yours, or at least I never can get used to it. It's kind of like camping in that sense, and without a kitchen it feels like it too :P

At least I've been able to do some real work on the script for this one game I originally promised to release months ago. I wasn't really in the mood to work on anything back then, I guess. I really can't wait to have a stable internet connection, though. Here at the motel the connection is flaky at best, with okay-ish speeds, serious latency and frequent disconnects, with the whole connection having died a few hours ago, which is why although I'm typing this post now I probably won't be posting it until one or two days from now. I don't think it's my laptop giving issues this time, even with the other issues it's having after the reinstall. The moral of that story: don't be smart and just reinstall applications instead of importing application registry settings. I'm quite sure that's why I can't do things like installing from MSI packages anymore.

While watching TV here in the motel (hey, it's my last chance to see cable TV before I switch to an antenna in the appartment) there were some advertisements for relationship sites. Seeing those made me question the very basics of 'classical' relationships. It's mostly that I don't see the point of man/woman relationships, or rather what makes them so bloody special. People seem to treat it as a basic requirement to live or something. Sure, it's important that humans reproduce to preserve the species, but that doesn't mean they absolutely need to have relationships between men and women.

Being intersexual and having been raised as a boy sure doesn't help with this either, I guess. For years I had to live under the assumption that I'd end up with a girlfriend and that that was the only place where I had to look. During that time I did feel something for men sometimes too (feminine-looking handsome guys are rawr~ :P ), but pushed those feelings aside. Ironically, as it turned out, what I thought were feelings of (sexual) attraction to women were actually feelings of recognition. Recognizing myself in other women, hence the women I felt most 'attracted' to all have physical or personality features which I share.

In the end I guess what bothers me the most is that I grew up among boys and that I had very little contact with girls, even before I started to withdraw into myself. I really miss not having had the chance (yet) to do typical girl things, or even feel like a normal girl. I assume that that's one reason why I'm so pushy about getting that surgery done as quickly as possible; so that I can feel more like a normal girl.

Last night I was watching a documentary about a 300+ kg woman and her efforts to lose weight. What hit me the most was when she said that of the things she wanted to get back the most was to feel like a woman again. She felt that due to her gaining weight, she had lost her womanhood, which is a big part of her identity. I really recognized many of my own feelings on this issue in that. While for me it's not so that people think I'm a boy (even years ago they rarely did), I still feel that because of physical facts, such as not having a usable vagina and experiencing facial hairgrowth, I'm not fully woman.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll learn more about what I can expect from the medical system here, and I've also found a place in Kitchener where they perform IPL hair removal. I just have to hold on a bit longer and keep working so that I can earn piles of money really soon.

Good night and happy new year, everybody~


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