I wanted to write an upbeat post today, but right now I feel like pouring gasoline over myself while lighting it with a match whilst pouring acid over my face and slicing every single millimeter of my skin with a knife. Yes, I know that sounds really horrific. Welcome to my depressions.
Why do I feel like that? Because I just realized that I'm not pretty at all. I'm a hideous, disfigured figure, with no clear identity or purpose. I'm a meaningless organism which can only pretend to belong in this world. I'm not even sure I'm human. I clearly failed to be a guy, and now I'm failing hard to be a girl. I'm some twisted experiment gone wrong and I'll never find a place in this world where I won't feel awkward and misplaced. Anything that is considered 'human', from experiencing emotions to establishing relations, to friendship and sexuality are all out of reach. I can only fake those things.
I'm not sure what I want... the emotions from others no longer reach me, and I feel that... I don't know. My mind is a complete blank. I've cried so much today. I realized that what I fear most is that my IS condition may be harmful to me in the long-term, or perhaps it already is. Perhaps the hormones I'm taking has kick started or accelerated something harmful. I still get upset when I hear people talk about pregnancies and such. I wish they'd all just vanish. On porn sites there's no place for people like me, since no category exists for IS. Society doesn't even acknowledge IS people there. It's all just so bloody screwed up.
I've finally got an appointment with the endocrinologist of the gender team in Amsterdam. February the 13th. 3 weeks from now. They want me to send them the CD with MRI images right now. I'll do so tomorrow. I should focus on getting a place to live in really soon now, for which I should use those 3 weeks.
I so hate transsexuals. I want everything to be normal and happy. I want this nightmare, this pain to end. I'm so sick of it all.
Your eternally depressed freak,