Thursday, 17 January 2008

I Just Want To Know...

So yes, I did arrive safely back in The Netherlands. In the end I stayed awake for around 35 hours, not counting the many small naps I had. I'm now staying in Zaandam, and am still looking for my own place.

Today sent an email to my physician, asking whether she'd prescribe me those medicines for the hormone therapy now, and also whether she could refer me to a specialist who could provide the surgery. After I had sent that email, I went to my appointment for IPL treatment.

The lady who helped me with the IPL was really nice, and asked me a lot of questions. She might even read this post tomorrow, so I'll better make sure I don't put in anything too detailed, right? ;)

After I returned from the IPL, I saw that I had received a reply to my email to my physician. She still refuses to prescribe those medicines, because she says she doesn't know what to look out for. Back to my illegal drugs, I guess :(

She also told me that she wouldn't refer me until she had seen those MRI results. I referred her to the German clinic where the scan had been performed. And finally she told me the results of the karyotype test. As it turns out, I (well, my blood at least) is 46 XY, which is the normal genotype for a male. What this means is that I'm probably a chimera, though a lot more tests will be required to determine this. I don't know when or whether I'll even get those tests.

At this stage I'm feeling like giving up. I can't do this alone. I need so much help right now. I'm a complete emotional wreck at the moment. I can't stop crying and feeling miserable. It's as though I'm back at the time before the MRI scan. The voice telling me to commit suicide is back in full force. I really don't think that this is heading in the right direction :(

Apparently my physician still refuses to properly help me, the people who do care about me can only do so much, and I'm back to living with far too many doubts. For once I'd like to know 100% of what's going on with my body. I don't believe it's a male body, I absolutely do not. Yet clearly it's not a regular female body either. With the XY result I'll never be a normal female, that door has just been closed on me. I am a regular freak, a sick joke of nature.

Just give me my overdose of sleeping pills and I'll call it quits.


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