Welcome To Square One~

After I wrote yesterday's post the thing which I mentioned I was afraid of happened. With neighbours being really noisy (party with loud music downstairs, some people walking around for hours upstairs), even at 11 PM, I decided to just skip sleeping then. After watching a few anime episodes I began to feel quite tired, however, so I dragged the makeshift bed I'm using into the living room, where the sound of the outrageously fridge should muffle some of the noises. As the fridge would actually turn off once in a while (despite a leaky seal on the freezer section) and the sound of the working fridge being darn annoying in itself, I couldn't sleep at all. After trying to sleep for a while I decided to get up and go outside.

I had a nice walk for a few hours in the cold, foggy weather. When I returned back at the apartment it was already close to 4 AM. The neighbours seemed to have shut up by then and I could finally get some sleep. 4 hours of sleep, that is. Naturally I'm feeling quite tired today.

So essentially what happened was that I kind of snapped emotionally. I had been suppressing everything which I didn't like about the past weeks and now it was all coming out. Today I cried a lot as well. Yet basically I seem to have made up my mind. I want to go home. Back to The Netherlands. Here in Canada there is nothing aside from my friend. Back at home I've got lots of people I know and who care about me, as well as some things I definitely have to deal with. There is the complaint procedure against the Gender Team in Amsterdam, which I intend to get lots of money from which I can then use to pay for the surgery in Belgium. I'll be contacting the surgeon at the hospital in Gent soon.

I feel happy with this choice. Clearly going to Canada wasn't the right choice, yet with all the meeting people and learning things happening like two weeks before I left for Canada, I was too confused to make a rational decision. Yes, I really wanted to meet my friend, but I have to think about myself first, and that's where I went wrong.

I can say for sure that I have never been upset as today. Never before have I cried like this, or felt completely agitated and restless to the point where I felt like I'd start feeling sick and throw up or so. I have actually ripped off some closet doors and other parts which were already broken. This place really is a dump, but at least I get to use parts of it to deal with my frustration and agitation :P

Talking about my friend... he said he'd drop by today, but I got a text message on my phone earlier telling me that he couldn't come because of the dense fog and that he'd come tomorrow. He also asked me to reply if I got the message, but well... my phone seems to have run out of prepay funds after the few calls and such from home :( I hope he doesn't get too upset.

*kicks expensive international calls*

I'm kind of afraid of tomorrow. Not only do I have to inform my friend of my plans (after he has funded pretty much my complete stay here), but I also have to get my things back from the moving company and I fear that they might still charge me the full amount, despite the aborted moving :(

What I need in The Netherlands in order of importance: a place to stay (mother/family/apartment?), money, internet and means of transport (to Belgium and such), preferably a car. The thought of traveling to Belgium by train doesn't really appeal to me, though I have never traveled to Gent before. If only I could check it online... Yup, still no internet here :(

I'll definitely have to nag my friend to take me to his place if I still don't have internet tomorrow, so that I can at least take care of some things, as well as finally post this pile of blog posts. I just hope my friend isn't too angry or disappointed with me :(

*sniffles a bit*

Yes, I'm a wreck, thanks for telling me (;_;)

The only thing I'm wishing for is that tomorrow will go fine and the arrangements for my return go smoothly. If everything goes right I'll be returning to The Netherlands on the 15th of January. Yes I didn't cancel the return ticket yet, thank the Heavens.

I'll be working and stuff a bit more before I go to bed, I guess. It's 9 PM and I still haven't had dinner, but I'm not hungry, so it's okay (^_^)v

Until the next tear-filled update, my dear readers (if there are any of you left by now (-_-); ).


Maya