Thursday, 24 January 2008


While preparing to write today's blog post, I was feeling rather depressed, leading to an emotional outburst, like I've seldom had before. Crying and crying slowly changing into full rage, fading into more crying after the peak had been reached. I know very well what the cause of this outburst is.

Now that the confrontation with the gender team is coming closer, a lot of feelings I had buried long ago have re-emerged, and are making it clear that they won't let me handle things in Amsterdam without first confronting those feelings. The central theme? The pain those... of and bastards caused me during those two and half years that they've mentally tortured me, followed by a year of silent suffering until the moment I got that MRI. All those memories and emotions I've suppressed for so long are now coming back and it's putting an enormous strain on me.

So now I'm waiting until the gender team contacts me for an appointment with their endocrinologist. I have no idea how long this is going to take, and I think that the wait is one of the factors for my emotional outburst earlier, as well as the uncertainty over whether they're actually going to help me this time. I can't help but be skeptical. Once bitten, twice shy as they say.

In the end I think that I'll be contacting my health insurer to get me to Belgium, for a variety of reasons. The health care there is better, faster and it won't have the emotional burden which comes with visiting the VUMC. At any rate I'll be extremely cautious about anything those people at the gender team want to do with me, or not do.

I'm feeling extremely tired right now and still on the verge of crying. I guess I'll go to bed now since it's getting late. Good night.


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