Yes, I'm still alive. Sorry for not posting an update sooner. My laptop decided it didn't like Internet anymore, so yesterday I reinstalled Windows on it. Seems to have fixed it.
My flight to Canada on Thursday was a mess. The first plane was delayed by 40 minutes, the second one (transfer in Heathrow) by 2.5 hours. I arrived in Canada early in the morning GMT-time, with some harassing by customs, who demanded to see proof that I could support myself financially in Canada. I thought it was all very rude. This day I stayed awake for nearly 30 hours total and I was ready to sleep anywhere by then, except on the airplane. Sleeping on an airplane is a joke.
Friday I checked in at the motel (the night before I stayed at my friend's place). There we discovered that networking on my laptop was somehow malfunctioning. We did a lot of (grocery) shopping as well. It's a shame I don't have a kitchen in this motel room, but at least there's a fridge.
Saturday I stayed mostly at my friend's place, trying to fix my laptop, using his internet and playing Super Mario Galaxy on his Wii. After lots of tweaking in Windows on the laptop, we decided that a clean install was the only option. Since it was getting late it was determined that I'd do it the next day on my motel room.
On Sunday, however, I discovered that I didn't have the key for Windows, so I couldn't do a new install. Oops. My friend arrived around noon and we went to go shopping for furniture, only to realize that all the furniture I need for the apartment can be bought cheaper from Ikea. We ended up shopping for a TV and a Wii, only the former being available. It's going to be fun to hunt down a Wii the coming weeks. Later on we went to my friend's house again to reinstall Windows on my laptop. This time it all worked out and my laptop seems to work properly again.
So how are things going? I can say that today I'm feeling the worst since the MRI scan. On Friday I cried a lot after I woke up because I felt homesick, but the way I feel right now is back to the plain old depression I'm all too familiar with. The reason for the depression is not doubts about my own body this time. The results of the MRI have convinced me even deep down that I'm just a girl and just one surgery away from a life in which all of this will seem like a distant memory. The real issue is simply money.
Doctor consults and tests/scans as well as surgeries are really expensive. My health insurance in The Netherlands was useless because it doesn't cover anything done in a foreign country unless it's an emergency or one is referred to a foreign hospital by the insurance company itself. Even if I had gone to the hospital in Belgium, my insurance wouldn't have covered it, because I never got scheduled for such tests and surgery in The Netherlands to begin with.
I really hope I can get a lot of money from those horrible people of the Gender Team of the Amsterdam VUMC hospital, so that I can pay for things here, things which would otherwise have been paid for fully by the insurance. It's all just so bloody unfair :(
Not knowing is the worst thing ever. I don't know how or whether the medical procedure here in Canada is even going to work out. I don't know whether I should have stayed in The Netherlands, or gone to Belgium. I have no certainty wherever I go, and Canada was the biggest gamble of all.
*cries a bit and wipes away the tears*
Sorry about that. I'm just emotionally drained, I guess. Yesterday I had a talk with my friend's parents about the financial side of my stay here and I guess that it has stuck around in my subconsciousness. I know quite well that financially I'm pretty much broke and that everything depends on how well the products (games and more) we'll be releasing next month are going to sell. If we only sell like 10 copies a month, I might as well give up on it and sell my body or something, as that's the only time so far when something I've done or made was received with enthusiasm.
Yes, I know I shouldn't be saying things like that.But you know what? Right now I couldn't care less. Today I'll be completely depressed and negative, possibly tomorrow as well, but I'll keep working on these games and such I've been wanting and promising to release since late 2006. If I can only get these things finished and released, that only will mean quite a lot to me, because for the first time in years I'll actually finish something significant.
In other news, apparently an article on me got published in a small newspaper in The Netherlands. Still need to get a copy of it from the journalist. Haven't noticed much after the publication, though. One girl who was on the same primary school as me contacted me and added me as a contact on Hyves. That's about it so far. Ah well.
Happy New Year's (Eve), everyone. Stay safe and don't drink too much :) See you all at the other side~