Lies, Delusions And Reality...

Today I woke up feeling quite a bit better than last night. Relatively positive as well. Of course, just like with that time I confronted my sexuality, I'll just crash emotionally after a while. Thus I've been struggling with some less pleasant feelings and thoughts for the last few hours.

Yet it's not all bad. These 'crashes' and consequent reboots I go through are apparently part of my emotional growth/recovery, and thus I keep figuring stuff out through these confrontations. This time I've realized a few things about what's bothering me and holding me back. It's all about reality.

I know now my motivations for the shock therapy, the lack of respect for myself and my general discomfort with a lot of real-life things, relations, marriage, pregnancy and (sexual) abuse in particular. The issue is that I'm indeed still a child emotionally. I'd say that on many points I've got the emotional awareness of an 8-year old, and the result is that I've got really big problems accepting reality.

My refusal or inability to accept myself, my own body, my own existence, it's all part of this. When I considered suicide before, it was because I could not see reality as, well, being real. When I tell others about myself, doesn't matter whether it's about my body, my work or something else, it still feels like I'm either lying or talking nonsense, the way a child would.

This is due to both a chronic lack of self-confidence which is partially induced by a fragmented self-image, and the latter is part of my inability to just get over this hesitation in acknowledging that a) I've got a body, b) that it's an adult body, c) that it's female and d) that I really don't look that bad.

I feel that I've been waiting for some kind of confirmation on those four points for quite a while now, and so far I at least don't seem to think that I'm ugly anymore, and I might even be pretty feminine. Just for reference, I find it ridiculously easy to acknowledge that I'm not male, as I've never even come close to considering such a thing since I was born.

Either way I feel this incredible need to be acknowledged on those four points by others before I can do so myself, since I know that I'm hardly objective on this matter. This is illustrated by my rapid progress in acknowledging point d after I showed my pictures to others for the first time. I think that point a isn't a big issue either anymore. Points b and c, however, are a problem, and my hesitation in dealing with them annoys me. It's as though I'm waiting for something to help me make these last steps forward. Medical tests? Yes, please.

Only one relevant medical test has ever been performed, and that was an ultrasound, as my physician could arrange that for me (MRIs and such are out of her reach). Despite the results showing that I did not have a womb or such as I had somewhat hoped, just knowing something for a fact instead of having to endure more speculation made me feel very calm and somewhat glad. It does show that it's not accepting facts which I have trouble with, but that it's the eternal speculation and not knowing things which drives me nuts.

At any rate I have decided to become less of a whiny child and deal with the not so adult-like parts of myself to the best of my capabilities. I hope that the reduced amount of whining will make the life of you, my dear reader, somewhat easier as well :)


Maya