I'm feeling absolutely emotionally devastated right now. I can't stop crying, I'm trembling all over, my teeth are chattering and I'm feeling sick down to my stomach. The reason? A good female friend of mine, a sweet little girl a few years younger than me, is being sexually abused by her own father. I already knew this for a while, and tried not to think about it too much, because she says she'll graduate from university next year and then move abroad and that she needs the financial support from her father right now or something like that. Things were going fine until I learned a few hours ago that this horribly bastard of a 'father' has taken pictures of the abuse and put them on some imageboards. Another friend of her learned of this and told me. He asked me to notify the cops about this abuse and provided me with a link to one imageboard where these pictures were placed so that I could send some pictures along as evidence.
Upon opening the link, I saw not just pictures of her, but also of other children. She suffers from Turners Syndrome, meaning that she has the stature and looks of about a 12-year old, which is why she ended up on that site, I think. At any rate the sight of this horror shocked me so much that I had immediately close it and ended up crying on my bed for a good half hour until I calmed down a bit. It didn't just upset me because of what I had just seen, but also because of the memories about the abuse I and other girls I know, many of them personally, suffered at the hands of such inhumane monsters.
In the end, however, she learned about what we were doing and told us not to interfere. I admitted to her that her friend had told me everything and also that if I wanted to keep my sanity, I should sever all ties with her for a while, because what this all does to me is not healthy. I seriously haven't felt this miserable in a long, long time, no less about the fact that I'm incapable of helping her. I hate feeling helpless :(
I feel like it's kind of out of place to talk about something as insignificant as my own issues in this post, but I'll make some quick notes since this is the last blog post of today. First of all I'd like to apologize for my depressed mood this morning. I feel sorry that I had to dump all that negativity over you, my dear reader. It is darn good therapy for me, though.
I've realized some things today: sexuality, beyond reproduction, has nothing to do with reason and everything with emotions. Hence my issues with it, since my emotional side is an absolute train wreck. Yay for figuring this out so late. Right now my emotional side is so well-developed that I could do a pr0n issue and not even blink, with my rational side just ensuring it's done safely.
I took some more progress pictures (to keep a visual record of the physical changes of my body) as well. I still think they're very unflattering and that I look like something not-quite-like-a-girl on it. Definitely not a guy, though. That'd be one hell of a weird male body. Which leads me the fact that a few people today suggested I am/might be a transsexual. I'm not sure what references these people use, but according to my definition, a transsexual guy can not get female orgasms, not even after surgery, nor will that guy have a skeleton which developed in a completely normal feminine manner, something which does not happen with XY genes. Some people are just slightly foolish, I guess.
In other news, I got banned from Stickam. I have no idea why. Possibly it's because some guys there hold a grudge against me because I refuse to show more skin or so. Bunch of immature perverts. Anyway, I've realized since a few days that the cause of my social isolation for 19 years was indeed due to my intersexuality. Around 5-6 years old is when children begin to notice and adapt to gender role patterns. Since that was the time when my mother saw big changes in my behaviour, which involved a change from an energetic, outgoing child to a quiet child, completely withdrawn into herself, a withdrawal which worsened as the years progressed. The fact that discovering about and dealing with my giftedness didn't make much of a difference in the social withdrawal further supports this.
Anyway, I seem to have calmed down now. At times like this it's good to focus on something other than pure misery. I think my emotional side just curled up and die, though. Ah well, I'll bury it in the morning.
Until then, everyone. Please send your best wishes and prayers to my poor abused friend and every other girl, or boy, who is suffering the same fate even now. Thank you so much.