Tuesday, 4 December 2007

Leave Me Alone, Please...

Positive: I didn't wake up once through the night. Negative: I woke up feeling horribly depressed, the familiar feeling of having sadness and pain seeping out from deep inside me and a crushing feeling which should be familiar to those who've ever cried out their eyes after hearing that a loved one has died a few hours ago. I feel like I want to crawl back into my bed and remain there forever. I never want anyone to look at me again, not on webcam, and not in real life. I wish I had no body at all.

Got two messages from 'friends' on Stickam, a nice message from a girl who tried to cheer me up and inspire me. Appreciated, but not effective right now :( The second message was from a guy who had just read my blog in its entirety. Quite nice message aside from the part where he confirmed that some other guys would indeed feel scarred if I were to ever show everything on cam. Cue feelings of being a freak, abnormal and unable to choose or decide or perhaps just unable to become 'normal'.

Emotionally I want to get rid of my male side, every last bit of it, yet rationally I know that this desire is not based on reason, just on confusion and pain with the desire to be accepted by others. It does underline for me once again that sexuality is something that's not for me. It'd be easier to just get rid of it, forget about it and stop whining about me being a woman. I'd just live on like a 'something' in that case, something asexual, like I've done since I was a young child. Truly, sexuality holds nothing for me but pain and negativity. I can honestly not think of any positive points about it.

I feel that I'm in a catch-22 situation. I do want to make more friends so that I can feel more normal and cheerful, yet at the same time I'm pushing people away with my negativity and traumas. There's simply no way to improve on this situation. Or perhaps it's just the depression talking. I'm really not this depressed all the time. It are just moments like this when I don't seem to be able to see the positive side of things. Though even when I'm not like this I still have a hard time thinking of positive points about sexuality. I think that's a hint.

In other news, I've heard that a video of a webcam session two days or so ago has been released into the wild. Apparently some guy recorded it without my permission. I already kicked out three other guys doing the same thing in the same session after one of the few nice guys I've met on Stickam tipped me off. Not only does this reinforce my idea that guys in general are utter scum, it makes me want to never, ever cam again in such a setting. I'm finding it difficult to deal with slutty cam sessions like other girls do on stickam as well, including by that girl I mentioned earlier. Not that I saw it, but she told me what she did. I want to erase it all from memory and pretend this world is a much happier place than it really is.

I'll try to patch myself together a bit more before my blog post later today. Until then it's cryin' and feeling-sorry-for-myself time.



Dessert said...


Now now Maya, you are good. ^_^ And you KNOW that me and kittie wub you!

Maya Posch said...

Thank you so much :)

*hugs back*

John said...

I think males who do things like that are not men, but simple males. Them calling themselves men is giving the rest of us a really bad name. There are plenty of men out there who are willing to stand up for justice, and would probably hunt the scumbags who released the video down if they knew where they were.

If you're still moving to Canada, look me up (You have my Facebook! My rough address is in my profile)! I'll be your friend anyday, and I'm really good at listening to people's problems and traumas. I'm a cold bastard sometimes, but I'm really good at seeing through people's hearts.

I'm also goddamned good at breaking huge problems down into simpler issues and solving things one by one. ;)

I hope your situation improves.



localguy said...

what happened to your stickam account maya?

Maya Posch said...

Thank you for that insightful comment, John :) and yes, I'd gladly be your friend ^-^

localguy > I got banned for some reason, I don't know why yet.

lostbutnotreally said...

sorry to hear abut your ban form stickam, did you find out why? just wondering, r u on any other chats ??

Maya Posch said...

I have not received a response to my, polite I might add, email to the support staff of Stickam so far, so I don't know the reason for the banning yet.

Aside from IM I'm pretty much only on IRC (#nyanko on irc.rizon.net).