Tuesday, 18 December 2007

Sudden Progress~

Yesterday night I got another message from the woman on the Libelle forum who had earlier provided me with the email address of the Belgian surgeon. She referred me to PrivateScan.nl, a site which has links with a German clinic for full-body scans, but also individual MRI and CT scans. Tomorrow I should get a call or email back from them to arrange things. I hope it works out well so that I can go to Germany this week.

Once I know which day I'll go to Germany I can plan the date on which I go to the other side of the country to visit my grandparents and on the way drop by the aforementioned woman. I can't wait to talk with her in real life. She seems like a really nice and caring person so far. A big difference from some other people on that forum who can't stop questioning my motives for going to Canada, to the point of acting as though it's some kind of betrayal. For someone like me who has spent around 10 years on the English parts of the internet and therefore has established a network of people mostly in North America, it really doesn't seem that odd that I'd be more at home and have more friends over there. Ah well.

So this week I should be going to Germany for probably an MRI scan. I honestly didn't expect this to happen so quickly, and it has taken me a while to catch up to reality. In many ways it's a big confrontation. This scan should tell me what the options are with regard to a possible surgery to restore my vagina, something which may seem insignificant, but carries an enormous emotional importance for me. Depending on the result I'll be either overjoyed or feeling completely depressed. Obviously I'm both excited and terrified of what the result may be, and I keep questioning everything I've hold on to ever since I discovered what was wrong with me.

However, no matter what the result may be, it doesn't change the fact that I am intersexual. My inability to perform sexually as a male, from the very moment I entered puberty, the clear anatomical and other characteristics which would make any expert identify me as a female as well as the fact that I can get female orgasms very easily... all those things would make me a very, very unusual 'male'.

Then there is the karyotype test result, which will take a few more weeks. That test also carries a lot of importance for me, as I explained before. To me the worst case scenario would be that the test results showed that I've got XY chromosomes and nothing resembling a vagina. That situation would make it very hard for me to maintain my identity, because no matter how hard I have tried, I could never see myself as a male, neither physically or mentally. Having grown towards accepting myself as a female is now finally succeeding as I leave more and more of my childness behind. Getting such bad results would pretty much undo a lot of this progress and throw me back to where I was many months ago.

To me it'd confirm that I'm indeed sexually defective, with a useless male side and a non-existent female one, making me essentially genderless. Right now I'm not even sure how I'd respond to it. In a sense it'd be like part of my world would collapse. To never experience sexuality, to only be able to grit my teeth as I hear or see how others enjoy theirs... it'd be many times worse than it is now. Yet I still want this test, as not knowing is much worse in a sense. I get sick of having to tell others about how I think the situation with my body is, without having any proper facts. It feels as though I'm lying, not only to others, but also to myself. In that sense the test results, no matter how negative, might still have a positive effect.

Yes, I know I should think positively, but my first and only test for my IS was an ultrasound, which resulted in a negative result. I have no womb or ovaries. Part of me tells me that it'll be like that every time I take another test, that slowly every certainty and expectation I have will be crushed and revealed as lies and deceptions. That's one more reason why I'll be completely overjoyed at a positive result, to the point where I'll be jumping from wall to wall.

Fortunately I savagely consumed an entire bar of pure chocolate over the past few hours, so I should have happy dreams. Tomorrow I'll go to my physician and the insurance company to take care of things about this MRI scan. Wish me luck,



Desu said...

I hope everything works out for you in the end. =D I really hope the results are positive as well!

Maya Posch said...

Thank you :D