Saturday, 8 December 2007

Emotional Collapse...

I finally managed to sleep 8 hours last night. I felt reasonably well-rested, though I remember dreaming a lot. Since yesterday I notice I've been changing a lot, though. It's like I feel down and skeptical about anything related to social interactions and relationships and indifferent to others in general. I guess it's part of the recovery, but I'm sure it there's a less negative way to grow up emotionally.

Around noon the people who had bought my Wii came to pick it up. We had a nice chat before they left. I now have some cash to deal with immediate money issues. Hopefully I'll soon get a response from that big web development project I mentioned before. As far as playing games goes, I won't really miss the Wii that much. I hardly played it, as I prefer to play games with others.

I played FFXI a bit more a short while ago. I kept dying, however. Last time I got poisoned and I still have no idea where to buy potions and stuff. There's so much about the game mechanics I don't know yet. The game designer in me also keeps telling me how much certain game play elements suck. I do know that I probably won't be paying for FFXI (I'm currently in trial period). As far as a social aspect goes, FFXI is a wasteland, which greatly reduces the 'stick-around' factor (scientific term). Ah well, something else to improve upon in my own games and such :P

Listening to Blind Guardian's older albums, I remember how I used to listen to the saddest and depressing music I had and basically just wallow in sadness and pain. It was as though I associated with certain kinds of sadness and such because I had those inside of me, resulting in a certain resonance. Right now I still have the same sadness and pain inside me, it's just close to the surface now and I somewhat understand why it's there.

Really, there are lots of times when I feel like just locking everyone out. Yesterday I started feeling very indifferent , a feeling which still persists. It's almost as though I'm shutting down emotionally, like after the shocks the last few days it has begun to crumble. A few days ago my boyfriend and I also had a serious talk about the nature of our relationship. In the end we decided that it'd be best if we stayed 'just good friends' for a while longer, with no commitment of any kind. For myself it was pretty much impossible to deal with the stress of a possible commitment. Clearly I'm not ready for a relationship of any kind. Even when it comes to friendship I'm hopeless. I'm not sure if it's because of the social isolation (good chance), but I can only seem to approach others in an almost cold and clinical manner. I may joke around and act all happy, but that's not the real me, as some know.

One good thing about feeling like this is that I'm able to do some work. More work than I've done in a long time. At this rate the new website will be online in a few days which would give me more time to work on the new web development project. And talking about websites... there's still no reply from the Stickam staff and their forum on which I posted a thread has been down for maintenance since yesterday.

Anyway, I'm off to hunt down some poor, unsuspecting chocolate. See you all tomorrow,


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