Tuesday, 4 December 2007

Relapse Into Obsession...

So this time I slept quite properly. I still felt kind of tired when I woke up, though. My cold doesn't seem to be fully gone yet either. I've still got the somewhat sore chest and occasional coughing. I definitely should tone down the stripping, I guess. Or turn up the heat :P

This morning wasn't that happy for me, though. I started off by still feeling quite miserable about my sexuality, with big doubts about what I really want or should do with the surgery next year. Right now I've got semi-functional male organs and presumably a reasonably intact vagina. I know for sure that I want to get the latter restored to a usable state. That's the thing I've never questioned. The issue is with the male parts. Do I want to keep the penis or not? To be honest I don't know. It is more practical to keep it and quite rational, but emotionally I'm not sure. One could say I'm emotionally split on this issue. I guess I won't find out until after the medical tests and some more useful sexual experiences whether I really want to get rid of what is a part of me, and which can never be restored again.

So yeah, sexuality... I guess that the feeling of being sexually defective hasn't passed yet, and I don't think it will any time soon. With male organs which are nothing like the real thing in terms of sensitivity and such, and female organs which are basically unusable, it's hard to see myself as anything but defective in this area. Naturally I got depressed again at a talk about sex this morning on IRC. This is also the reason why I don't like being intimate with men, since I feel ashamed, frustrated and scared about my body and such. Therefore I've been trying to find girls who can help me find something positive in my sexuality, but so far without much success.

Another topic people have been asking me a lot about: the reason why I am so exhibitionistic to the point where I'm even on sex dating sites. My motivation for this is quite simple, namely to learn more about myself, get rid of the childish parts through shock therapy and learn to see myself differently via others. So far it has been working quite well, but I sure wish I'd be able to just get rid of this issue all together. I'm getting sick and tired of all the time I spent on it without seemingly progressing that much. One can dream.

Today I spent quite a bit more time on Stickam. People there are beginning to read my blog now as well. I haven't heard many comments about it yet, though. It's still funny to hear the people who haven't read it proclaim that they want me to lose the panties :P Such a nice opportunity to scar some guys for life... tempting~

Anyway, I'm about to topple over and I really need to do some work tomorrow, including preparing for Wednesday, when the moving company comes over to check out my stuff. And yes, I slacked off again today. Anyone who is a girl and kind of pretty is welcome to punish me now ;)

See you, all you crazy, insane nut jobs :P


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